Reflection |Indigo|

[Indigo Wintertrap]

Illusions
Flicker and hide

Why hadn't he fought back? Was he just determined to ignore her? To rise above her petty actions? Was this all just to annoy her by seeming to not let her get to him? Indigo gave a frustrated shriek, sniffing as she lowered her head back down onto her paws, facing into the ground. Why had she let Wolf get to her? Why couldn't she have also taken the high road and acted like this was all beneath her? No, instead she'd flew off the handle and attacked him before running off to collapse into the grass and burst into tears. This should have made her angry but instead, all she could do was cry harder. She was beyond control, beyond reasoning. She was so scared and so frustrated that all she could do was sob and hope for the best.

But that wasn't like her. To give in and accept that she couldn't do anything. Indigo began to gulp back her sobs, her whole body shaking silently. Blinking furiously to rid herself of the tears, Indigo began to wipe at her eyes with the back of her front paw. She could do this. She wasn't going to let herself dissolve into some hysterical mess and just stay that way. She was going to make things better. Already, the roaring in her ears had died down to a soft buzz and it seemed as if a giant weight had been lifted from her head and she was starting to feel less of a headache. She could think straightly too now, she realized with a sigh of relief. Thank god.

Running her tongue over her lips quickly to get rid of the dryness she felt, Indigo stood up awkwardly. Whatever she may have realized about feeling better now and everything being alright, she still had no clue how to address Wolf. Because everything wasn't alright. She hadn't fixed anything - she was just no longer hysterical. The realization made her want to start crying all over again but she forced herself not to. She couldn't possibly be that weak. Indigo gulped again, as if the simple action would replace the words that she needed to speak. Whatever they were. All she knew was that she needed to say something. She couldn't just stand here like an idiot and ignore him.

"I'm sorry." The words were whispered quietly and out of her mouth so fast that Indigo wasn't even sure if she'd said them. Steeling herself, she turned around slowly, trembling but determined to meet Wolf's gaze. "I'm sorry for getting mad at you," she whispered. "It wasn't your fault, I'm just so messed up and... I was frustrated and I shouldn't have attacked you and got mad and been mad when you didn't attack me and gone off and cried and been hysterical and I'm sorry for wasting your time because I'm sure there's more interesting places to be - pretty much anywhere, right? - and I'm sorry if I said anything about you that you don't deserve it because you really didn't do anything except be grumpy which isn't a crime, I mean some cats are just anti-social, not everyone has to be the life of the party, there are wallflowers too..."

Indigo rambled on and on awkwardly, biting her lip, a pleading expression on her face. Please let him understand what I'm trying to say... even if I don't, she thought wryly. "Please don't hate me," she added suddenly, and then froze. Where had that come from? She gulped, forcing herself to relax. "Nevermind, it's just...I've screwed so many things up," she began slowly, pausing. "I don't want someone else to hate me. But really I feel bad because you should hate me and here I'm asking you not to and I hate myself for it because honestly I don't want to be hated but I should and there are so many others who should hate me but don't and I don't want this to be the same thing over again because that means it's just me and I screw everything up - the lives of everyone I meet, for one," she finished, trying not to sound bitter. She could feel tears welling up in her eyes again but this time she made no effort to blink them away. She wasn't going to hide anything from Wolf - she was for sale "as is" and he could take her or leave her.

[wolf]

When you kill me
Do it slowly.

He waited. He wasn’t entirely sure why he continued to wait for… something. He should leave. He should get out of here like he had been wanting to do the entire encounter with this she-cat. But, he could relate to her pain. For some twisted reason, they shared problems. And they both didn’t know how to solve them. Only, she had no idea how similar they were, because unlike Indigo, Wolf didn’t lose control and go completely nuts and scream his problems out at everyone. Wolf glared at her orange form, her crying starting to be stifled. He shouldn’t pity her. He should hate her. He needed to forget about his sympathy, he needed to forget about all of those things they had in common. He should hate this cat!

And yet, he just couldn’t bring himself to do that. To hate her. Because he was too damn weak. The crying she-cat who had screamed her heart out at him wasn’t the one who was pathetic. No, not the one who had lost control of herself and attacked a complete stranger then broke down and became hysterical. He was pathetic for even staying this long. For not turning around and leaving. For relating to her problems. And now for feeling sorry for her! After all she did. There was something wrong with him. Something terribly wrong. He was just a shell of what he used to be. He used to be strong and able to deal with his problems. And now, now… Now, if he didn’t have any self-control, like Indigo, he would be in her position. If this went on any longer, he would slowly, very slowly, be pulled into his own grave that he had unconsciously been digging, just as this cat had.

Wolf looked away. He couldn’t stand to look at her anymore, because he no longer saw an orange tabby there, sobbing. He saw a brown tabby. A brown tabby with gold eyes, a scar around his leg. Completely out of control. Wishing for death. A walking skeleton, a far-off look in his eyes. Not caring about anything. A ghost. Invisible to everyone. A meaningless existence that nobody cared about. Wandering aimlessly, no purpose in the world, no hopes, no dreams, no conscience thought. Just a cat. Just a body that managed to walk. With no soul.

Closing his eyes, he lifted his head. That was it, then. He had glimpsed the future. And he was too weak to do anything about it. So be it, then. Let him become that haunting image of a former cat, turned into something… Something else. This would kill him. Maybe not kill his body, but kill him. All his problems would fester and destroy him. They had almost killed his orange tabby. She was close to that point of no return. But he, he still had a little ways to go. If only he had any motive to prevent that from happening. But he didn’t anymore. He just didn’t care. He had nothing left to care about. He might as well become that invisible ghost. Nobody would care, anyway. Nobody would wonder what had happened to him. They wouldn’t miss him. Nobody would even notice he was gone.

As she began to speak, he calmly opened his eyes again and looked at her, a sort of distant look on his face as he listened. He couldn’t be here anymore. He couldn’t stay around her any longer. He saw that image of himself when he looked at her. Though he accepted it, it still frightened him, that he could be so long gone so quickly. When she was finished, he shook his head and got to his feet. ”I... I can’t stay here any longer. I have to leave. It’s not you, it’s… Nevermind. I need to leave,” He said, looking at the ground, looking defeated. He shook his head again before starting to walk away. He looked in the stream as he walked down it's shore and saw the ghost cat.

That sorry reflection of himself.

Lyrics: Message to the World by Story of the Year

[Indigo Wintertrap]

"B-bye," Indigo managed to stammer, the words almost in time with her painfully thumping heartbeat. Tears obscured her vision but she blinked them away, watching Wolf walk away and feeling utterly confused. Not because he had left - anyone would have - but because of what was happening to her. How had she gotten so low so easily? She'd been having a great day when it had started and now... Now her high was over; she'd came crashing down quickly. She whimpered, cutting it off with a low growl. Enough of this! she screamed at herself. Enough of this moping around and just feeling sorry for yourself. Don't sit there and cry, do something! She gulped back a sob and stood up straight, trying to stop herself from shaking violently.

Breathing slowly and determinedly, she was able to still her body. Indigo blinked quickly and then stepped forward - stepping surely and confidently as if she knew where she was going. As if she had a goal, a plan. How easy it was to fool herself. If she acted like she had a plan then she had one. She would just... walk. Eventually she'd reach someplace... someone... But Indigo didn't want to run into someone else just right now. She couldn't hide from the rest of the world forever, but she could for this one afternoon. With a small flutter of relief, she turned course, padding through the soft grasses and reeds down to the river bank. And then she sat in the sand, her tail curling around her front paws as her eyes gazed out over the small body of water that swept by as if she didn't exist.

A small, vague smile appeared on her face. How nice to be ignored for once. How nice to be able to fade into the shadows as if she didn't exist. She purred softly. This was her happy place. Here she was alone and finally able to put her problems behind her. She wasn't hiding from them, she was letting them go. Maybe she only kept freaking out because she was so stressed, so worried about herself. If she could honestly believe that she was okay, then maybe she could be. She liked that thought. And it certainly wouldn't harm her to try it. So, with a small smile on her face, purring softly, Indigo sat on the bank of the stream and watching the water flow softly by her. Ripples where a leaf fell. A flash of silver where a fish darted by, following the course of the river.

Maybe she should follow the current too. Stop fighting herself and just flow along. Maybe then she could be happy. Indigo smiled and lowered herself so she was lying down. Resting her head on her front paws, she continued to stare out at the river, thoughts of Wolf and insanity put behind her. No, let go to float away from her like balloons in the sky. They could float wherever they wanted as long as they left her alone. Surely that was a fair agreement. She smiled again, closing her eyes as some of the sun's rays wafted through the tree branches to settle on her fur. How nice that felt. How warm. The whole non-existent thing was rather nice. And so she continued to smile.

Indigo Wintertrap was in her happy place.