repondez s'il-vous-plait } R.S.V.P.

[Indigo Wintertrap]

The best thing about tonight’s that we’re not fighting
It couldn’t be that we have been this way before

Indigo nervously made her way towards the town dump. It wasn't a fear of being spied by humans or thrown out that made her heart hammer such, it was a fear of what she would find when she got inside. But maybe it was best to rewind.

She'd been looking for someone these past few days. Stellar. And all the while she'd asked around for him, she'd had a terrible guilty feeling. What was she doing? She was with Ash now. She loved Ash. Why was she looking for Stellar? Because we're friends, had been rationalization. Or at least, she wanted them to be. Ha. She missed Stellar, and not just in a friends way. She missed how they'd been friends first. How he'd showed her around. She loved Ash but maybe she loved him too much, if that was possible. Everything was so dramatic and intense around him. He was "the one" for her. But maybe "the one" wasn't right for her. Maybe she wasn't supposed to be with her perfect match.

Stellar made her happy. He was a friend first and she was comfortable around him. She could relax around him. And maybe that was what she needed. She was so dramatic, maybe it made more sense for her to be around someone low-key. No, Ash was low-key. Maybe she needed to be around someone that she could be low-key around. She obviously couldn't about Ash. Indigo stopped walking. What was she doing? Things were finally good between her and Ash and she was going to screw them up again? How foolish was she? No. She was going to apologize to Stellar and make sure they were friends. She was coming here to get a friend back. That's all, she reminded herself.

Would Stellar even show? The other day, she'd finally ran into someone that said they'd seen him. A sweet she-cat who went by the name of Dapple. Dapple Fernleaf. Dapple had told her that she'd run a message to Stellar. The message being that Indigo wanted to meet with him at the town dump the next evening. Dappl had found Indigo this morning and told her that she'd successfully delivered the message but Stellar hadn't confirmed or denied if he'd be there. Indigo gulped, ducking under the wire fence and scampering up to the top of the hill of garbage. She hoped he'd be here. She hoped so badly...

But maybe if he wasn't here that was okay. Maybe then she'd realize that she needed to get over this phase and go back to Ash. Maybe it would be a good thing if he didn't show. Her heart continued to thump widly. Maybe she needed to fix things with him. Maybe they could still be friends. But then why did she feel so scared? Afraid that he wouldn't show? Maybe, but that idea was also slightly relieving. Afraid that he would show? Yes, very much - no matter how comforting it would be. Afraid that he'd be mad at her and hate her? Yes. Afraid that things between them were too far gone to fix? Yes. Afraid that she'd blown their friendship to smithereens? Yes, Indigo replied mentally, gulping again.

She shivered. It was certainly windy up here. Unconsciously, her eyes flickered over to the horizon. The sun had almost sunk out of view. If Stellar was planning on meeting her he'd better show soon. Indigo was trembling, unable to stop herself. Please... please... she found herself begging. But please what? She couldn't even answer. She wanted the jitters to go away. She wanted to happy. She wanted everything to be better. The only problem was...

She didn't know what better was.

I know you don’t think that I am trying
I know you’re wearing thin down to the core

' Reserved for Stellar Snowpaw '
^{(As if you hadn't figured that much out ;] )}

OOC: I hope what I set up with the message was alright. And I realized the fading in my post-header is messed up, I think I screwed it up when I was moving it around/putting the border on.

[Stellar Snowpaw]

I walk this empty street...

Stellar made his way to the dump, his thoughts knotting and twisting in his mind. This whole thing with Indigo was really getting to him... Why had he let her go so easily? How could he let her go so easily? And why did she want to see him?

When Dapple came to tell him, he just nodded blankly, to nothing in particular. After she left, he cried a while. This was so hard for the brown tabby tom.

He loved her. And she had said she loved him.

But she obviously loved Ash more. Stellar could do nothing, absolutely nothing to change Indigo's heart. Though Stellar liked to image it differently. Everything he did, he imagined that Indigo was there doing it with him. He imagined that the whole encounter at the dump never happened, but somewhere down the line, he imagined, he had told her that he loved her.

Oddly, though, Stellar was glad that the whole thing at the dump had happened. At least he got two minutes to nuzzle Indigo. At least he got to tell her that he loved her. At least... Atleast he made an enemy, got totally hurt, and on top of it all dumped Indigo. How could he do that?

His heart then broke when he saw, there at the dump... Her. Indigo. Why had she called him? He thought she didn't care. He thought that she loved Ash more. Maybe she still did love Stellar...

No.

She didn't. She would never love him again. He ditched her, in the dump of all places... He shook his head as he went up to her.

"Hey, Indigo... Firestar." He choked the last part out, it burning his tongue intensely.

[Indigo Wintertrap]

But hold your breath

Why had she chosen this place to meet Stellar? It was close, it was where she had last seen him but it went deeper than that. The obvious thing to notice was that it was where they had been 'mates', even if just for the briefest of seconds. Her claws arched out into the ground involuntarily and she felt a tremor run along her spine. But it wasn't even just that. It wasn't for sentimental or ironic reasons that Indigo had chosen this location. It was because of the memories that it held here - memories that she so desperately wanted to revisit. She could become lost here, just inhaling the bittersweet moments that had passed. Had she made the right decision? She'd been so confused. She still was.

Maybe Stellar wasn't even coming. Indigo's eyes flickered to the horizon. Only a sliver of the sun was still visible. She gulped, forcing herself to look away. Maybe this was good. Maybe Stellar was doing her a favor. She was with Ash now. She shouldn't be spending her 'clearing-my-head-time' running about chasing after old crushes. Realizing that she was shaking, Indigo struggled to calm herself. Breathe in. Breathe out. But... what if Stellar just wasn't coming because he hated her now? Indigo expected that from him; she deserved it. But what if he wasn't even going to give her a chance to say she was sorry and apologize for being such a horrid friend. For leading him on.

Her tail twitched. No. That wasn't true. She hadn't 'lead him on'. She'd loved Stellar, she'd really had. And then her love of dramatics and deep longing for an intoxicating, whirlwind romance had swept her off her feet with Ash and she'd thrown away everything she loved in Stellar in a heartbeat. She'd thought Ash was the one for her because she'd wanted him to be. She'd be so convinced that she loved Ash, that she didn't love Stellar enough. But maybe she'd been wrong. Now it felt as though everything had turned upside-down. She loved Stellar, she couldn't deny it. And maybe it was Ash that didn't love enough?

She wanted to scream. This was far too confusing. How could her entire world have flipped like that so stealthily, without her even noticing? She was being crazy. This was just her wanting to be dramatic. She needed to get out of here before she did any damage. If Stellar did show up... it was quite possible that she could ruin everything. But she wasn't just being dramatic. She honestly wanted to see him - not because she had some messed up need to screw everything up. But that's what others were going to start thinking.

She began to leap nimbly down the mound of garbage. She had to get out of here. Maybe she did need to see Stellar but she couldn't. Maybe it was a mistake to be with Ash but she needed to suck it up. She'd caused both of the toms too much pain and even if it meant that her and Stellar weren't friends anymore, she was doing him a favor in the long run. She didn't want to see him. But she was hard put to [prove that point when she spotted him approaching. Her heart seemed to leap up in her chest and she just felt so happy.

But the happiness was tinged with other emotions - despair, anxiety and torment. This wasn't right. No matter what she felt, she was just about to make things worse by meeting with Stellar. She was such a fool! "Stellar," she managed to croak weakly. Every strong illusion or facade she'd ever constructed around herself just crumbled away as she was hard put to keep herself from collapsing into the ground. She just felt so weak, so horribly guilty. As he greeted her she blinked, before smiling sadly. "No, not Firestar. Still Wintertrap," she said softly.

That wasn't the right way to put it! Not at all! What if Stellar got the impression that she had left Ash - that that was why she'd come looking for him. She tried to push the words out to explain but found that she simply could not. She gulped, continue to tremble. She couldn't stop herself any more. She knew Stellar was probably wondering why she had called him here - why, all of the sudden, she'd wanted to meet with him. But what could she say? That she'd wanted to repair their friendship? That had been her intention but now it was becoming all too apparent that that wasn't going to be enough for her. You fool!

Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don’t make me change my mind

[Stellar Snowpaw]

I'm giving up on love cause love's given up on me

Stellar nodded blankly as he had to Dapple. Stellar knew that she was hanging around with Ash, but she wasn't his mate yet.

"Indigo, I'm sorry for everything I did. I was wrong for leading you on, and then when I had competition, dumping you. It was wrong." Stellar smiled sadly. "You love Ash," he layed his head on his paws. His eyes filled slightly with tears. Though he was saying the words, it was all too hard for him to believe. Yeah, she loved Ash, but Stellar loved her. He didn't have a chance against Ash. He hadn't dumped Indigo as he had. He didn't walk away when he had-- Actually, he did. But still, Indigo loved him.

But, maybe, just maybem she had come to tell him something. Maybe she would change her mind. Oh, how nice that would be! To have Indigo back. He knew he wouldn't let her go again. "You know, those two minutes were the best I have ever had." He spoke refering to when he had her as a mate. STUPID! Why had he said that? To make her even more depressed?

Stellar had to stop being such a selfish loser. 'Stop wanting her back,' he though. If only he could get through his mind that she was with Ash. Ash Firestar, the person that Stellar now had to give his favorite cat in the whole world up to.

Maybe that wouldn't happen though... Maybe Indigo would come back. Did Stellar already think this? He was just thinking over and over again, about the same things. He was pathetic.

But he was in love.

[Indigo Wintertrap]

I won’t live to see another day
I swear its true

Why was this so unbelievably hard for her? They could so be friends. That's what they had been originally. Just good friends. With tiny crushes maybe. Now... now that seemed impossible. Like a nice idea but one that you know is never going to work out. Seeing Stellar here in the flesh made Indigo realize exactly how impossible her ideal situation was. She could never be "just friends" with Stellar because no matter what she told herself... she loved him. More than she'd been admitting to herself. More than she'd even realized. She did love Stellar.

His words surprised her and she could feel herself opening her mouth in protest. What was this? An apology? Hell, she didn't deserve an apology. He did. She should be saying sorry to him, not the other way around. "Stellar," she began softly. "Stellar, please. I should be apologizing. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for hurting you and I just want you to know that... I didn't mean to. I never would have meant to. We were friends before and even if we'll never be that again, it doesn't erase the fact that we were." The words were spilling out of her mouth in a rush and it took effort to contain them.

"I'll never forget," she whispered softly, almost more to herself than him. She gulped. God, she could not start crying. But it was so hard. Why did everything have to be so difficult and confusing? She didn't want to hurt Stellar any more but she had already hurt Ash so much... how was she supposed to make a decision? She whimpered quietly, still shaking uncontrollably. "You were right to do what you did, Stellar," she said with a small grin. "Even though I was so mad... I wasn't looking at things the right way. You weren't not prepared to fight with me, you just wanted me to be happy."

She gave a small nod. "I did love him," she murmured sadly before realizing the implications of what she had just said and giving a nervous laugh. "I mean, I still do, of course but... it's confusing." She sighed. Because I love you too... But she couldn't say that. Even if it was the truth, she couldn't say it. Not because she needed to hide it but because it would make it so much worse for Stellar to know that she did love him. She inhaled sharply, feeling so overwhelmed, drowning in a sea of emotions. What now? What could she possibly say now that would fix all the damage she'd done? She sighed.

Her ears pricked up and she lifted her head, scarcely believing what she'd just heard. Really? And now she felt worse but also... better. Stellar did love her. But that was a bad thing. And what was she supposed to say? The initial reaction was to say 'me too' but was that true? She couldn't say that. First off because it would change everything she'd been trying to tell herself and secondly because then she would have no reason to be with Ash. None at all. And then she'd be taking a risk she wasn't ready to take. Jumping off a cliff when she wasn't prepared. Not yet anyway. So instead she smiled, a bit of humor evident in her expression though obviously not coming easily.

How had this happened? How had she managed to tangle up the lives of two amazing toms with hers? No matter what she did she'd hurt someone. And no matter what she did, someone would be happy? How the hell was she supposed to figure out whether that was a lose-lose or win-win situation. It was a lose-lose in her mind, anyway. Because no matter who she picked, she'd still be sad because she'd be hurting one of them. She hated the position she was in. How was she supposed to fix it? She bit her lip, a nervous habit. Had they really said all there was to say? So fast? Maybe this was it. This was the end.

Because a girl like you is impossible to find
You’re impossible to find

[Stellar Snowpaw]

Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself

"No. I'm the one who did this. I told you my heart, and if I didn't do that, you probally wouldn't be here right now. You probally wouldn't even be with Ash, though. You would still be my friend. But's that's not enough now that I've told you my heart." He picked up his head and looked at her. "Even though you love Ash, I love you. You love Ash. I should just run away. Nothing to live for anymore..." He sighed. "But I couldn't do that to you... That would make you worse then you are now..."

A tear ran down his face; he closed his eyes to keep the rest from coming out. "It's nice to see you, but it's not like old times anymore. We can't go hunting together anymore. Ash hates me. We can't fish together anymore. Ash hates me... The only way I could do anything with you besides talk is that if I was your mate, and that probally will never happen."

He opened his eyes, a stream of tears rushing out. "Coming here didn't help either of us..." He shook his head. he just wanted to walk over to Indigo and lick her, but... he sighed again. It wasn't possible. Indigo would reject it. She would run away and Stellar would be left in a heap of tears and he would probally never be able to see him again. At least now he was able to see her, even though they were both either on the brink of weeping or crying already.

'Let her go, Stellar. Just let her go. She's not yours anymore. She's Ash's. Her heart belongs to Ash. NO. Don't believe that Stellar.' His mind was warring with itself.

He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else

[Indigo Wintertrap]

This is not what I intended
I always swore to you that I would never fall apart

She couldn't bear to see him being so sweet to her when she didn't deserve it - taking the blame for something that was entirely her fault. It was like Ash all over again. They were both so sweet - neither of them deserved to be hurt. But she'd already "rejected" Ash for Stellar and then rejected Stellar for Ash... was she really going to make that jump a third time? Ugh. Her tail whisked against the ground in frustration. One thing Stellar said piqued her interest though. If he hadn't told her he loved her... she wouldn't be with Ash? It was an interesting though and also terribly devastating. If Stellar hadn't told her then... they would have continued to be friends and with time maybe become more without all this heartbreak.

But no, it wasn't fair to pin it on Stellar! It was just as likely that her and Ash would have become mates first. And besides, the fault lay with her. She opened her mouth to speak but closed it, awestruck by Stellar's words. He loved her. After everything she'd done, he still loved her. She felt so happy and warm inside, tingling just from hearing those words... But no! She couldn't be happy. This was a bad thing because it meant that he'd be unhappy. He shouldn't love her. She was like a hurricane, leaving a trail of devastation behind her wherever she went. "I love you too," she said softly, then froze, mid-breath.

What! No, how could she have said that? Of all the thoughtless, foolish, inconsiderate things to say... She wasn't scared or nervous to say it but the effect that it would have on Stellar. How could she have told him that she loved him? This was insane! Was she so determined to trample his emotions to pieces? Did it make it "better" for him knowing? Of course not, this would make it worse. Because now he could guess that she was conflicted and that didn't bode well for her. He had said that he was sorry for not fighting for her... what if he wanted to now? She felt sick to the pit of her stomach. She seriously needed to think before she spoke. This was disastrous. What was she supposed to say now?

"We can try, can't we?" she mumbled, knowing it wasn't true. It was selfish of her to even ask. She was certainly having problems with being too self-centered, wasn't she? It was painful to see Stellar now and they were just talking. To hunt and fish like they had when everything was easy, when they both liked each other but it was simple... that would be terrible and Indigo knew then and there that she wouldn't be able to do it. "So what do we do?" she whispered, fighting back tears. Why did this have to be so hard? She wanted someone to tell her what to do. And now she was asking Stellar, trying to get him to figure out their problems when she was the source of them. She whimpered again.

'No," she managed in a thick voice, a teardrop rolling down her face. She was still shaking. She shook her head sadly. "No," she whispered faintly. "It didn't help at all..." And now this was her fault. Things had been bad between them - her fault - and now she'd managed to managed things worse. And she'd told him she loved him! She was definitely displaying a knack for wrecking friendships. Indigo let out another whimper. She was just so confused and falling apart and she needed someone to pull her back together. No, Indigo... she started to warn herself as she stepped closer to Stellar. She just wanted to nuzzle him, to feel his fur against hers... But there was nothing "just" about that and it would make things worse. She couldn't pretend that it was such an innocent wish. It would mean more to both of them and only confuse emotions worse.

The tears continued to fall quietly.

You always thought that I was stronger
I may have failed
But I have loved you from the start

[Stellar Snowpaw]

I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door

Stellar let the tears flow as he listed to all that Indigo had to say, which was only the four words, 'I love you too.' They hurt him so much. So now he was supposed to believe that she loved him?
"No you don't Indigo..." He shook his head. "Ash is perfect for you... I stand no chance against him. He didn't ditch you. The only thing we have in common is that we walked away when we had competition." He spoke shakily. He wanted her to come back, but at the same time he didn't. What about Ash? He would probally kill him.

"No we can't Indigo... We can't. It's not possible any longer." He lowered his head back down, still shaking and crying, the tears falling down his face more quickly now. "As much as I would love to try, we can't... We can't." He spoke the truth. He wanted to. He wanted to have her back, to talk to, to love, to have someone to feel things with, to experience things with. But now... Ash had that.

But Indigo seemed to want to come back. Gosh, this was so hard. He wanted to brush against Indigo, but Ash would probally gut him. He could see that Indigo wanted to do that too as she took a step closer to him. He did that same, getting closer to her. He took another step, then inched back. 'No, Stellar. Don't do it. It'll break both of your hearts.'

He sighed again, the tears running over his cheeks at what seemed like one hundred miles per hour. He reached out his head and nuzzled her shoulder, then drew his head back quicker then his tears were running. He had done it. He had broken their hearts...

But it had felt good. He needed to do that. He need to fell her fur one last time.

And he had.

And he had broken their hearts.

I’ve had you so many times but somehow
I want more

[Indigo Wintertrap]

So breathe in so deep
Breathe me in

Indigo exhaled shakily. Her head was spinning wildly with thoughts and she was just so completely confused. She loved Stellar she did but... she wasn't ready to leave Ash for him. That was the honest truth of it. She loved Stellar and she always would but it wasn't and would never be enough. She whimpered softly. "I do," she whispered quietly. Maybe she was just digging the wound further but for some reason it was important to her that Stellar knew that she loved him. Now that she'd told him she couldn't bear if he thought she was lying. "I do love you Stellar it just... it's not enough... it's too late." She felt like her heart was not breaking but just melting away.

"You didn't ditch me either! I loved Ash and you knew that and you wanted me to happy..." Right? Indigo bit her lip again. She didn't know what to say. It was unbearable to sit here and listen to Stellar blaming himself. "Stellar, stop. It's not your fault. I shouldn't have let myself fall in love with Ash when I had feelings for you and then I shouldn't have let myself get tangled up in this. I should have stayed with you from the start and the honest truth of the matter is that I wish I did. I wish that I hadn't met Ash and fallen in love with him so that we could be together because I do love you. But I did meet Ash and because of that I love it and now that I've met him, I need him, I'm sorry. And I'm sorry for telling you that I loved you cause I know that makes things more complicated but now that it's out I need you to know that it's the truth. I love you and I want to be with you but I can't because I love Ash and now that I do I need to be with him..."

She trailed off, breathing in. She'd just been rambling on and on there, spilling out feelings she hadn't even know she had. And now she was even more confused by some of the things that she had said, wondering to herself if they were really true. They were. She knew that. Her innermost emotions, secret from even herself, had just come pouring out but whatever they were, they were the truth and she couldn't argue with that. She shivered as the wind blew by her. "I know," she said quietly. She couldn't go through this again. She couldn't force Stellar through this all again. She wouldn't. "We can't."

She inhaled sharply. "So... What now?" Now they just left? They couldn't see each other again and this was it? What was she supposed to say? Bye? That was so stupid. It couldn't sum up her feelings but Indigo herself didn't even know how to do that. She wanted to hit pause and just take in this moment, as horrible as it was, forever. She was never going to see Stellar again. The truth of it hit her and the tears began to pour down her cheeks faster, a sob caught in her throat. She couldn't do this. She couldn't agree to just stay out of his life. She loved Stellar. She wanted him. Things were horrible and messed up but she couldn't say goodbye. She just couldn't bring herself to do this.

A startled sob came forth as Stellar met her with a nuzzle. It felt so soft, so right. She whimpered as he drew back so quickly, eyes staring hauntingly at the tom. With another sob she threw herself forward, nuzzling her head into the back of his neck. She needed this. This comfort. It was making things a million times harder but she couldn't stop in the same way that she couldn't bring herself to say adieu to him. She was sobbing now, small half-sobs that seemed to catch in her throat like hiccups each time. This felt so right, how could it possible be wrong? Moving her head closer to his ear, Indigo finally spoke, her voice thick with emotion through his fur.

"I don't want this to be goodbye."

I’m yours to keep

[Stellar Snowpaw]

I don’t mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain

Stellar couldn't keep himself under control any longer... He burst out in short but loud sobs. He couldn't leave Inidgo. Not now. Not ever. He didn't want this to be good bye. He couldn't even think of a way to say that. He was in total stupor. He wasn't going to be able to stay in Nenbrook if he couldn't be with Indigo. He would drown himself. He didn't know with tears or if he would jump into the river. No. Not the river. the river was where he had first shown affection to Indigo. He would run out into the road.

Not the road, that was where he first discovered Indigo. he couldn't kill himself. No. "I was right... I can never have you back." He said shakily between sobs. His legs gave out slightly, but he caught himself. He was having a power drain, and he could do nothing about it.

Stellar shook as Indigo nuzzled him. He licked her cheek, then listened to her speak to him. She loved him. She really did! But she couldn't leave Ash, not now. "Me neither," he said, a tear trickling down his face and falliung onto his paw.

He didn't want this to be good bye, but she couldn't stay here all day... Ash would come looking for her, then Stellar would have to explain. But right now, all he could think about was Indigo. He loved her. He was love sick. He couldn't keep his mind off her because that was all he did and would ever think about. But... His dreams wouldn't and couldn't come true unless Ash left Inidgo or something. Killing Ash was not an option, though Stellar, for some cruel reason, wished it was. No. He wouldn't think that way. He couldn't do that to Indigo. How could he think that?

He rubbed his cheek along hers. Maybe this was goodbye, but he would make sure he would see her again. He stayed in his position, holding his cheek against hers, feeling her breath on his neck. He let the tears flow, let his sobs burst out, let his sides shake. He couldn't keep his body from doing anything, except stay here with Indigo.

Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile

OOC: Post... Is... Finshed!

[Indigo Wintertrap]

And hold onto your words
‘Cause talk is cheap

This was so hard. She loved Stellar still, that much was apparent, but... she also loved Ash. And every moment that she spent here with Stellar felt like a deliberate betrayal of her commitment to him. She'd put him through so much, already... But could something that felt so right possibly be wrong? It was beyond her. So maybe for this one night she could just lose her conscience and forget about the rest of the world. Just narrow his vision down to her and Stellar. No one else. Stellar's sobs cut into her and she continued to whimper softly, feeling terribly. This was her doing. This was all her fault. She deserved to be drowned or something. No. She wasn't going to go down that path again.

Indigo shifted uneasily. Stellar didn't know, did he? That she'd been suicidal? That she'd tried to kill herself? Of course not. Because she hadn't told him. How was she supposed to bring something like that up? Hey, by the way, I tried to kill myself the other day... No, she couldn't say that. She did not want Stellar to feel worried about her or feel guilty in any way. What went on at the chicken coop was between her and herself... And Ash. She bit the inside of her cheek, feeling something tear inside of her at the sound of Stellar's voice, so distraught. This was her fault! "Maybe not forever," she whispered softly in response, pressing her cheek into his. Her breath seemed to catch in her throat and she forced herself to breathe again once she realized that she had stopped.

"But maybe just for one night," she whispered, her mouth rising up to breath into his ear with her words. This would be goodbye but it would more than just a goodbye. It would tie them together and Indigo didn't care what the consequences were. She wanted this. She wanted Stellar. "If we can't spend our lives together and love each other like we do, at least we can spend one night and just forget about all that. Forget about everything that says we can't be together... and just do exactly that. Be together. For one night."

Maybe this would make it more painful... Damn right, Indigo knew it would. But she was past caring. She loved Stellar and he loved her and for one night they could just forget about the rest and let the world revolve around them. She didn't want to look ahead to the future, Indigo just wanted to live in the present, seize the day - or the night, in this case. And that was exactly what she planned on doing.

And remember me tonight
When you’re asleep

OOC: Sorry it's kinda short, I don't have much time :/ So after your next post we'll say they mated and then continue role-playing the thread from after that?

[Stellar Snowpaw]

And she will be loved

Stellar looked at Indigo. If he wasn't so captivated, he probally would have refused. Having a litter of kittens from someone who you would never be able to see ever again would be too much for her...

But Stellar had too. He loved Indigo, she knew that. Stellar licked her cheek, then ran up and down the base of her neck with his nose.
"Indigo... I love you." He licked her forehead, then licked the top of her nose.

'Stop, Stellar. You're only making it harder... For both of you.' Stellar sighed. He would either do this for her, be happy for one night, then feel guilty, or run away right now. The latter was something that would be very hard for him to do. Leaving Indigo in this state, and doing the excact thing that he had done that made her go back to Ash was something that was something he would never do to her again.

He smiled weakly at Indigo. "I'll do it for you, Indigo. It'll hurt me so much, but I'll do it for you." Stellar nuzzled behind her ear.

She will be loved

OOC: Kay. Sorry for it being so short. Not much I can RP for now...
So... They mated?;;

[Indigo Wintertrap]

OOC: Yup, so now my post takes place after they mated

Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again

Indigo lay on the ground, her mind a confusing swirl of thoughts. What had she been thinking? No, she couldn't begin to get negative already. She should bask in this moment and her love for Stellar. The night had been amazing and now that it was over, however, the dark thoughts were edging into her mind like rainclouds, threatening to spill over and drench her. She squeezed her eyes shut for a moment before opening them again. It was her little trick. Whenever she was in a bad situation, she just closed her eyes and hoped that when she opened them it would have just been a dream. Except, it never worked. And she didn't want this to have been a dream. She loved Stellar, why couldn't it just stay simple like that?

She snorted at her juvenile mindset as she pushed herself into a sitting positing, bending down almost instinctively to lick at her paw - it was a calming habit she relied on when she was feeling overwhelmed. Like now, for example. Something Stellar had said before... it happened was repeating itself in her head, echoing through the chambers of her mind. "It'll hurt me so much, but I'll do it for you..." She hadn't been focused on it much at the time - she'd been a tad... preoccupied but now she felt horribly guilty. Stellar wasn't an idiot, he'd realized just as she had that this would make things worse. He'd done it anyway with her and she'd gone ahead... out of purely selfish impulse.

She squirmed slightly, her breathing increasing slightly. She was a fool. She'd wanted one amazing night and she'd got it but it wasn't going to make a difference. So she'd had her fun but now things were going to be so much harder. "Stellar," she whimpered softly, hating herself for letting such emotion show through her voice. Here she was running to him for comforting? She was the one who'd bloody screwed everything up. She sighed, letting her shoulders drop into a slump. She was just so unbelievably confused. Before, she'd known she'd be messed up afterwards but she'd ignored that, also not anticipating how bad things would turn out.

The problem with living in the present, Indigo reasoned, is that sooner or later - most likely sooner - the present ended and you found yourself in the future you'd so desperately tried not to think about. Screw spontaneity, she thought darkly, frowning. She loved Stellar, sure, but she'd also known that they couldn't be together. She'd wanted something to tie them together but that was a stupid thing to want because now it would be so difficult to sever the ties that they had just strengthened to the point of no return. Stellar needed to move on, get her out of life. And she... she had Ash.

The guilty feelings increased, swarming her like a bunch of buzzing bees. What the hell was she playing at? Meeting in secret with Stellar was not necessarily cheating. Telling Stellar "I love you" was showing feelings that she probably shouldn't have had but she'd known that she loved Ash more... sorta. And she'd made that clear... sorta. But this! Doing this with Stellar was most definately cheating! And now she was going to waltz back into Ash's life and pretend it never happened. Oh, she was despicable.

She was starting to shake now but willed herself to stop. Ash never needed to find out. Stellar wasn't the type of guy to tell him and Indigo sure as hell wasn't going to. Sure, she'd feel guilty for keeping secrets from him but it was the only way to preserve their relationship. Besides, everyone kept secrets. Just not necessarily the I-had-sex-with-my-ex-while-me-and-you-were-together kind of secrets. She gulped. Her golden eyes found their ways up to Stellar's green ones and she smiled softly. "I love you."

Damn it, didn't she realize every time she said that she was stabbing a knife deeper and deeper. Not only into Stellar but into herself. She was making this so much harder on them just for sake of not thinking before she acted, of saying what she wanted to say without caring for the consequences. The present was going to be over soon. She needed to start thinking about her future because that's what she would have to live with every day, that would become her present, bit by bit, and that's the path that lay ahead of her.

And it was clear that Stellar was not a part of that future.

Don’t make me change my mind
I won’t live to see another day

[Stellar Snowpaw]

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful

Stellar looked at Indigo. How in the world had he done that? How had he caused so much pain in both of their lives? How had he put such a heavy burden on Indigo's back, and before he had done it say "I love you?" He knew how. He was love sick. Selfish... Self centered. And he did it mostly to keep Indigo happy... But, oh, she didn't seem happy now, did she? Stellar dropped his head, his eyes searching the ground.

"Indigo... What is it?" He asked her, not knowing what was wrong. He knew that he couldn't comfort her, he had trouble comforting himself at the moment. He sighed a heavy sigh, full of emotion. "I'm sorry, Indigo." He couldn't say anything else. He was terribly sorry. What was he thinking, doing that with Indigo? Mating with her when she belonged to someone else?

Stellar laid his body close to Indigo's side, feeling her breathe. Sometimes, that was all he needed. To feel Indigo breathing. But right now, that wasn't helping. He wanted more. He wanted to be able to feel her side breathing whenever he wanted. "Indigo..." He started to say something, but he was interupted by her telling him the statement he was all too familiar with: "I love you." Everytime Indigo said that, it made Stellar want to cry. If she loved him so much, why didn't she come back? Why didn't she come back to him, where she wouldn't have to tell him that because he already knew? Stellar knew why. Because Indigo loved Ash. She loved Ash, and right now, Stellar probally seemed like the biggest jerk who ever walked the earth.

Stellar sighed. What had he done? He could now officially dub himself dork of the century. He had mated with someone else's mate, and only because he would never see her again? So what, he loved her. He sure wasn't acting like it. He had made this worse. He had had fun, he had been happy, but all until he got on Indigo's back... Then everything began to swirl in his head. Why was he doing this? Why was he here? Why was he even alive? He regretted that he had ran away. Yeah, he wouldn't have met Indigo, but then she wouldn't be feeling so guilty right now. She wouldn't have his kits in her stomach. She wouldn't have anything to do with him.

Stellar let out a huff. He hadn't been breathing. Was he trying to kill himself? No... He just forgot about everything. About Indigo, about himself. Everything. But when he started breathing again, he remembered why and what he was doing here. He sighed. What if Ash beat Indigo for letting him mate with her? What if he killed the kittens? What if he rejected Indigo? What would she do then? Would she slink away, and try to kill herself, leaving Stellar, the kittens, Ash... Everyone? Would she leave everyone because a tom rejected her?

Stellar had to tell her that she could always come back to him if Ash wasn't in the mind to take her back. He took a breath, and started speaking. "Indigo," he said. "If anything goes wrong between you and Ash when you go back, if Ash tries to do anything to you that he didn't when you first met, that's offensive of course, I'm always here." A tear slid out his cheek and onto his tabby fur. Maybe he had said too much. Maybe he should just turn around and run away. But he shook that thought out of his mind. He couldn't leave Indigo.

But he would have to sooner or later.

I know I tend to get so insecure
It doesn't matter anymore

[Indigo Wintertrap]

I swear it’s true

She felt horrible, so damn horrible. The whole idea of thinking before acting was becoming a lot more appealing. But no, she had thought. Ugh, they should tell you to think before you act and then act taking those thoughts into consideration. Then she couldn't step through a loophole by just disregarding all the thoughts she'd had prior to deciding to act. She blinked. Okay, she was officially confusing herself now. "Never mind," she murmured quietly in response. She hadn't really wanted to tell him anything. She was just so lost. But she could not rely on him to pick her up. She needed to get through this on her own. "Don't be sorry," she said with a roll of her eyes. "It's more my fault then yours... All my fault actually." She gave a wry grin, letting him know that she was joking and it was good with her. Well... not really.

Was there some lesion in her brain that demanded she be constantly thrown into drama and destruction? Seriously! She'd gone through enough stress with Ash and then when she wanted to get away and clear her head so she could figure herself out and prevent that from happening again... this happened! And now she was emotionally vulnerable and messed up all over again. But that wasn't the biggest similarity. Uh uh. The biggest thing that both situations had in common was that they were entirely her fault and there was no one else that she could blame. She sighed, feeling as if the perfect ending to this night would be to curl up somewhere cozy and fall asleep. Preferably before it was already officially morning. She smirked despite herself.

And so she'd feel guilty for not telling Ash but that wouldn't be the end of the world. If it would mean that they could be happy together she was good with it. And it's not like he'd ever figure out for himself. Stellar obviously wouldn't tell and there was no way he'd have proof... Indigo's thoughts trailed off. Unless she got pregnant. She shivered, not from the wind. Of course that couldn't happen though. Just because they'd... It didn't mean... Okay, it was a possibility but... It wasn't going to happen. That was the underlying thought running through her head. She wasn't. She couldn't be.

Hell, that would be horrible to tell Ash. By the way I'm pregnant with Stellar's kittens... She squeezed her eyes shut and opened them. No, that wouldn't happen. And maybe... she could pretend they were his. If there were no brown tabbies and she mated with him soon. Stop! She was taking things way out of hand. She was not pregnant so there was no need for all these worries. Funny how she hadn't even thought about in the moment. Stupid stupid stupid. Almost unimaginably stupid, actually. She rolled her eyes again.

Stellar's voice saved her from her annoying thoughts and she blinked. What? Ash wasn't like that! What was Stellar thinking? He'd never! "I'll be fine, Stellar," she assured, a trace of annoyance showing through her voice. "I love him, remember? And he loves me." Now she seemed almost impatient. And definately way harsher then she needed to be. But they needed to say goodbye. Indigo couldn't bring herself to do it but she wasn't going to sit here and moan around with him any longer no matter how much she wanted to. If she couldn't say goodbye to Stellar and he couldn't say it to her then she'd break things up for them. "And not like me and you. A much deeper level." She was almost cringing from her own words, feeling each of them zapping like a little dart. No, like a knife. "And we'll love each other for the rest of forever," she finished, allowing smugness to creep into her voice.

Oh my god. What was she doing? Could she really flip so fast? Of course not! Because she didn't really mean those words. Because she couldn't bring herself to say goodbye to Stellar and accept that she wasn't going to see him again. Because this way there'd be a reason for them not to see each other again besides Ash. Because this way Stellar could be mad at her like he should. Because this way he'd get over her. Because this way there'd be an ending, not just a farewell and a pining for each other. Because this way they could hopefully achieve some twisted sense of closure. Because this way she was letting him go. Because it was selfish to let him leave still wanting her when he couldn't have her.

Because maybe, for the first time tonight, she was doing the right thing.

Because a girl like you is impossible to find

OOC: Indi's so messed up Dx. Poor Stellar, she was quite harsh.