if anyone cared,

[Indigo Wintertrap]

We don't need to have a reason

A small sigh was all that could be heard for a moment and, despite her melancholic mood, a small smile forced its way onto the face off the lithe orange tabby as her numbed mind somehow managed to register this fact. It was silent. Except for the sigh of course. But when one has spent the majority of a day sitting outside a hutch full of agitated chickens, silence is an unknown bliss. Indigo sighed again, this time a relieved and almost content sigh. Almost content because there was no way she could be happy. Every time she started to feel the smallest bit of happiness, she would feel guilty and remember why she should be upset. Which chased the happiness away much better than anything she could have tried. She was such a messed up head case. Or a 'basketcase' as it was now apparently called. She smirked cynically, wincing on the inside. But it was true. She had been 'depressed', found comfort in Ash, ran away from him, found out he didn't love her, been confused and upset, been told 'i love you' by Stellar, accepted to be Stellar's mate...

And then been told they were better off friends and he didn't love her enough to risk any sort of anti-gain. Loss. Her lips curled into a dangerous smile, her eyes glinting angrily. Funnily enough, the thing that bothered her the most was the thing that someone would have expected the least. This entire mishap with Ash had started because she'd been 'depressed'. Indigo let out a harsh, barking laugh, startling the chickens into a new round of anxious cries and clucking. She's been such a fool. But if she hadn't known then what depression was like, she knew now. But it still stung, all of it. Didn't Ash realize that she did love him? In a way that she had never experienced. She barely knew him but she loved him. And that was what scared her. But he had point-blank told her that he had no feelings for her. And then expected her to say whether she did or not? Regardless of the truth, she couldn't admit to a love that was not mutual - her pride simply wouldn't allow it.

The truth. Now there was a funny thought. The idea that somewhere amidst this tangled web of lies and emotion, there could lie a 'truth'. Maybe that's why Ash had left. He was sick of her and her lies and her playing with everyone like they were her toys. Indigo felt the familiar pricking in the back of her eyes that usually meant tears were coming. Only it wasn't so familiar - she hadn't cried since she'd left Ash and Stellar. Or rather... been left by them. Before she'd been foolish to consider herself selfish. Spoiled and selfish were completely different things. And by mixing them up and overreacting, she'd thrown herself into this mess and selfishly screwed things up for Ash and Stellar. Apparently it wasn't enough for her to mess up her own worthless life. Nope, she just had to go and screw things over for the two guys she hated the most in the world. All because she was too indecisive to make a decision. Indigo gulped, forcing the tears back. She would not cry. That Indigo was gone - left behind in the town dump with all the other things that had once mattered and were now left behind to decay and be forgotten, never seen again.

[ - Reserved for Ash Firestar - ]

[Ash Firestar]

Whenever it feels like the end

As the grey and black tom neared the chicken coop, he decided to reflect on the happenings. OK, so he had run away from home, landing here in this new town with new surroundings. Then met the girl of his dreams and automatically fell in love with her, told her he didn't love her, then ran away. Who the hell did that? I swear, that is the most heartless thing to do, he was so selfish. Tah. A scent wafted into his sensitive snout and he imediately stopped in his tracks.

Indigo.

He absentmindedly went into a crouch, he was just a few feet from the coop when he saw her. She looked so sad an miserable. Where was 'that brute'? Her amber eyes drooped and so did his. He would never be the same. Ever. He sighed, caught himself, did Indigo hear that? He questioned himself a many times. Somehow, he just knew that they would automatically run into eachother, that seemed to happen, a lot.

Of course though, he knew that they were meant for eachother, but couldn't be with eachother because he was stupid enough to say, "I'm glad you don't love me." What the frig man? Why the flip did he say that? That was the dumbest thing like ever. Now he was the one lying. He silently, in his head, sighed the longest and biggest sigh. He closed his blue orbs and wished he could start over. Wished everything would work out. Wish he had never said that stupid thing. But it would never happen. Ever.

The most important advice that he could remember from his dumb-butt mother for loving him was, "Never feel sorry for your actions, instead feel pride for them." Tah. That was a good one, acording to his personality check, he regretted everything. And I mean everything. All he had done was be nice and sweet to everyone he met, and what did he get in return? Guilt and a broken heart. WHAT THE HELL? That just made him so angry, he could not stand it. He wouldn't try to be that nice ever again. Ever.

He flicked out of his thoughtful stage when he heard the chickens go angry. He couldn't help himself, he grinned with amusement. He knew Indigo was upset. But, being his normal selfish self, he had to make a big entrance. Something like...oh! He knew.

He gathered up all of his anger and frustration and leaped with all of his might at the chicken coop making the agitated chickens go mad. He laughed, he was amazingly enjoying this. He clawed his way to the top of the coop and looked down at Indigo, in a distressed way. Not wanting to act too happy for the moment. He leaped down and landed beside her. Looking her deep in the eye, he smiled, but a longing smile. He didn't know what to say, so he just sat there like a bubbling idiot for a girl he didn't really know. But deep down, he knew he loved her.

It's always a new beginning.

Do you like how I kept saying ever and repeating myself? That's what makes me like...the best poet. Ever.

[Indigo Wintertrap]

We don't need anything

The wind blew lightly over her back, scattering her semi-long fur - playfully tossing it in different directions along her back so it looked the exact kind of mess that she felt. Now she could be screwed up inside and out. A small smirk was visible for instant, despite herself. But then it vanished all too quickly as Indigo descended back into her gloom. It wasn't all that bad being depressed. It just felt like... the world was some angry, thudding music. And all that she needed to do was tune it out. Which became simple enough after a short amount of time. It was almost like going through a rather painless withdrawal - removing herself from the outside world. Removing the old Indigo from her body. Perhaps she was being melodramatic. She didn't care. She'd always had a flair for the dramatic arts - better to embrace it than to chase it away. Right? She blinked and pushed the question away. It was becoming rather easy to do that with disturbing thoughts. And all thoughts of him. She flinched, pushing that thought away. She didn't want to think about him.

But fate seemed to have a way with messing with her, for just as she was thinking that, something - someone - landed right in front of her. Indigo swore and leaped back into a crouch, hissing as her fur fluffed up. How dare some random nobody come and startle her when she was so obviously preoccupied with her thoughts and... Oh. Oh my. She blinked. And again. And again. No, she couldn't be seeing this right. Her vision was becoming addled by the smell of the chickens. Or she was hallucinating. Yes, that was a much better option. And more likely. She could have been dreaming too but hallucinating sounded far more interesting. "Hello," she stated simply, relaxing. There was no need for worrying if this was indeed just a hallucination. And it obviously was.

But still, hallucination or not. When he was smack in front of her, there was no denying how strongly she felt about - for - him. The only question was... what kind of feelings? And that was something she was having trouble answering. She had strong feelings towards Ash but she couldn't make out what they were. Only that something connected her to him whether she liked it or not. And she hoped it was a two-way street. She scowled, the blank pretense gone. Guilt and anger. Those could be two of the feelings she had towards him. She felt horribly guilty for how she'd behaved towards him and horribly angry for how he'd treated her. Obviously they couldn't be right for each other if they were both so set on causing each other pain and hurt and confusion. A pang went off deep inside at this conclusion and Indigo started. Mainly because it was something she might have felt as the old Indigo. Not the new one.

And why wasn't Ash saying anything? It was infuriating that he could stand there grinning like an idiot while her thoughts raced around in turmoil. She scowled darker. "Why are you here?" she finally managed to say loftily. Summoning up her most haughty tone, she continued. "If you want an apology I'm afraid you've come at the wrong time. You should have thought to ask for one before slinking away. But if you've come to apologize to me then I suppose I can bear hearing it out quickly. Thought I can't promise I'll accept." She clamped her jaws shut before she could continue. Ugh! What had she done? She had just invited Ash to talk to her instead of telling him to run off like he deserved. It wasn't fair. He didn't seem to realize the effect that he - and those bright blue eyes - had on her.

This had better be quick.

OOC: Haha I got it in after all. And yes, it's wonderful -hugs-

[Ash Firestar]

I wish you could see

Ash blew out of his thoughts. He was terrible at judging her now, all of her sweet self was taken away by Stellar. Or was it that he had slunk away? Honestly, he had no idea. He definately wasn't about to judge her now. No way. OK, so is this how you want to act, Indigo? Mad at the world? Oh...you haven't seen mad at the world! He thought to himself, a scowl went right to his face after that. He stepped back a few paces, not frightened by her, but to give them some space.

What feelings did he have for her now? None. Zip. Zilch. He now flinched when he looked into her amber eyes, he glared at her instead. Oh I'll give you mad at the world. He thought, another scowl appeared on his grey and black face. "Hi." He said in a musky voice. He listened to her speak, growling softly, Apology? Why the hell would I want an apology? After all I did to her, after i had been her freakin' should, I should apologize to her? Hell no. He glared at her, and it was one of those glares that say, 'don't mess with me or I'll kill you.'

"What am I doing here?" He said, his voice sounded like scratching chalkboards, "Trying to enjoy myself with others' pain. That's what." He certainly did not sound sarcastic, at all. He was serious. "Apology? Dude, I don't need a friggin' apology, especially from you. Oh, an aparently, you don't need me. You have that other tom now, I'm certainly not needed." He growled, this stupid cat thought that he would apologize and just tell her 'I love you'. Ha. That was stupid. To hell with her. He felt a sharp pain go through his chest, like he shouldn't have thought that. To hell with that too. He glared at her.

He hated that stupid cat.

How you look through my eyes.

Ash is sooo mean! I sowwy.

[Indigo Wintertrap]

We're just wasting time

She could feel herself trembling and she hated herself for it. There was no way that she was going to let herself look so stupidly weak. Not in front of Ash. Gulping slightly, she forced herself to stand stock still. The effort almost wore off as he finally said something, muttering a greeting that, in another circumstance, she might have considered to be unsatisfactory. But she couldn’t say anything. His soft growls cut her off, erasing any illusion of the control she had supposedly had. Her claws unsheathed, curling into the soft earth with frustration. This was what she hated. Didn’t he understand? How vulnerable and open to judgment she always felt around him. Maybe she was putting too much pressure on the idea that they were ‘meant to be together’. No, that was foolish. She harboured no such idea. None whatsoever. So she shouldn’t worry about what he thought of her. She shouldn’t care.

But she did.

Maybe it somehow could work out. Ash had rescued her from depression before, hadn’t he? But that had been when she was being foolish. And back before she had hurt him. She winced at his harsh words, feeling each and every one of them seeming to cut through her like tiny knives - striking where it hurts the most. ”I have no one,” she whispered softly, instantly regretting her words. No wonder she always felt so vulnerable for Ash - she openly placed herself in the most vulnerable position possible. But the words had just come. She didn’t want to lie to him anymore. With that sad realization came a sharp anger. No! Why should she give in? All Ash had to do was show up and waltz in and say he didn’t want her apology - and didn’t seem like he wanted to give one either - and she’d grovel all over for him. Indigo bristled. No way! She needed more self-respect than that - something that seemed to fly out the window every time she laid eyes on him.

That was why they couldn’t be together.

”Forget it,” she finally hissed angrily, cringing at the anger in her voice and wanting to bite back her words as they spewed forth from her mouth. But she was done with playing around. She might have hurt Ash but he had hurt her too. And just because he didn’t see the need for Indigo to apologize to him, it didn’t mean that his apology was also useless. ”Fine. If you don’t want me to apologize than don’t. But you can apologize to me. For walking out on me when I was oh-so-supposedly your friend,” she spat, her eyes glistening as they filled with tears. That would be so like her to burst into sobs at the most inopportune moment. She wouldn’t cry. He wasn’t worth it. The thought stung so hard, Indigo was surprised she didn’t crumple to the ground. But it was true. She was delusional if she was going to give herself up for this… jerk. Because that’s exactly what he was. Blinking harder against the tears, Indigo summoned up her last ounce of pride and lifted her head up. But then suddenly she was staring into his eyes again somehow, the truth of her anger and sadness spilling from her lips.

”For lying to me.”

[Ash Firestar]

Let's stop our quarreling,

Ash's eyes absentmindedly softened at Indigo's harsh words, not on purpose. A few mili-seconds ago, he was mad at the world, Indigo, and himself, for falling right into the trap. Indigo had reeled him in, so kindly and he had been sweet and loving and she just dumped the barrel on him and kicked him out of his circle. But, obviously, she didn't realize that.

”I have no one,” was what she said.

He winced at this, but then again, his heart still lifted of a burden. He let out the teensiest smile of happiness. But knew Indigo would take offense of this, so he hid it. He listened to her sharp words like needles penatrating the cushion. And he was the cusion. He backed off a tad bit and then came back in with even shaper words, now, they upgraded to a sword fight.

"Well, I'm sorry for walking out on you, Indigo." He said in a mean-kind-of-sarcastic way. I think you need to apologize to me, for killing me off, making me not feel wanted anymore, not needed, like I was some kind of tool." He said with a growl, emphasizing the word tool. He wasn't about to let himself be twisted and squashed by some freaking bitch that didn't care as long as she was the center of attention, as long as she got everything. Well, lemme tell ya somethin' honey, things are about to change.

His claws inattentively unsheathed and started digging little trenches in the dirt, like they always did. Like they always have. He glared at her, wanting to know what was going on in her confused mind, this was a very confusing time for the both of them. Trying to figure out if they were compatable or not. The words just started to spill out of his mouth, "I'm sorry for lying to you," when she said something that obviously spilled out of her mouth too.

"For lying to me."

That did it. All of his hate and anger towards her melted away by his love for her. It felt like he was covered in a thick layer of ice in the winter, and had been melted by the spring sun. His eyes became soft and sweet, his bristled fur came back down on his back. He stopped growling. His face became calm and neutral again, like it's usual self. He let out the slightest smile, hoping to bring warmth into the hated orange tabby that he had fallen in love with. He sighed quietly, "I'm sorry for all that I have done to hurt you, I thought I was doing what was best for the two of us. So that we would not feel regret in for our actions if we had ever spoken again. I did it all because..." His sentence faded, his voice merly a whisper, "...because I...love you."

His ears flew back in embarassment at this, and his eyes glistened as if he were going to start tearing up, but he wouldn't let himself, he was a tom, they weren't meant to cry. The stereotype image for a tom is a tough, non-crying guy whom everybody loved. Oh, he certainly wasn't that tom. But, he wanted to fall under the 'non-crying' label, but didn't want to look as if he had no feelings. Indigo knew he definately had feelings. "If you do not love me, I don't care. You can run back to the other tom for all I care, but I just want you to be happy, Indigo. Whatever you choose.

And forget this ever h a p p e n e d.

I love Ash's constant mood-swings from mean to really sweet an caring. xDD It's such like the pre-teen era. lol.

[Indigo Wintertrap]

I think there's something more

Something in his eyes - why oh why was she even still looking at them - seemed to snap. No, not snap. Soften. Something left them in any case and Indigo could only hope that it was some of the anger. But no, that was stupid of her. Ash deserved to be angry at her for being so low and horrible and hurting him. She understood that. So then... why did she find herself hoping that he was losing some of his anger for her? One part of her did, in any case. The other part was disgusted that she could sink so low yet again to hope for something she by no means deserved. But apparently that part of her didn’t have to worry. Indigo visibly cringed at Ash’s harsh words – even harsher than before. Once again, they somehow managed to find their way to the place that hurt the most... and attack, opening up fresh wounds all over again. She could feel her eyes beginning to swim with tears and once again she vowed not to cry. She wouldn’t cry. This was why she couldn’t be around him. Didn’t Ash see what he was doing to her? How much he was hurting her just now?

Or was that was he had stayed?

Indigo gulped and found herself praying that that wasn’t the reason. She could feel some of her own anger rising to the surface and couldn’t any reason to try and leash it in. ”You felt unwanted?” she spat, laughing derisively and not caring. ”I’m not the one that said I was glad I didn’t love you!” She laughed again insanely, sheathing and unsheathing her claws furiously. There. It was out now. The even deeper truth of why she was so mad at him. How he had hurt her. The tears were coming again and it was so hard to keep them back. ”You said it so calmly,” she managed quietly and evenly, though her accusatory tone spoke for all her hurt and anger. ”You laughed. It was a joke.” Her eyes narrowed as she fought to keep back the tears. She twitched. ”You lied.” Hot tears poured down her cheeks now, and she let them. She was powerless to stop them. She couldn’t believe she had put herself in such a vulnerable position all over again. She shouldn’t have. If Ash denied it again... she’d be more than crushed. She’d be humiliated and mortified in the most extreme sense of the word. She’d be dead. What was more... what if he really didn’t love her? The embarrassment that waited at the end of that idea was even more excruciating. Maybe she was making this all up. Unrequited love had always seemed so beautiful in the stories. But it wasn’t. It was as torturous as hell itself. No. How could she know? Her loved wasn’t unrequited. Ash loved her back – that was something that she would stubbornly cling to.

Her vulnerability was pushing her anger back to the surface. ”You left me, Ash,” she spat suddenly and defensively. ”Not the other way around. And only because you were stupid enough to believe that I honestly loved Stellar!” She felt horrible for saying it. Poor Stellar. But it was the truth, or close enough. Maybe she had loved Stellar but nowhere near as strongly as she felt for Ash. If only she could decipher those feelings. She could feel herself trembling, and not from the wind. Ash was starting to talk now. ”I’m sorry...” he was saying. Indigo felt her vision glazing over. ‘I’m sorry that I don’t love you?’ No. No, please no. This was some kind of cruel joke. She forced herself to listen to him, even as her knees started to crumple underneath her. It took a great amount of effort to remain standing. But Ash wasn’t saying what she had expected. Her heart began to lift but she forced herself not to get her hopes up just yet. The way down would be too cruel.

”Because I... love you.”

Indigo blinked as the words that she had most desperately wanted to hear came from Ash’s mouth. ”I’m ha-hallucinating,” she sputtered quietly, remembering her earlier theory. But she knew that it wasn’t true. There was no way she could have summoned up Ash so realistically and vividly. Even her thoughts couldn’t match this. She was trembling again. Should she be happy right now? Her heart and her mind were both telling her yes. Yes, she should be very happy right now. But all she could do was take a step back. Ash told her she could choose. He was such a nice guy, she registered dimly. ”This doesn’t make sense!” she finally cried, surprised by the strength of her voice in comparison to the weakness of her body. ”No! Everything you did to me... you had a reason.” She could see that now, somehow. ”Everything I did... there was no reason. I hurt you!” she screeched. It was funny how quickly someone could change sides. The tears were starting to pour down her cheeks now. ”No, Ash. I-I do love you,” she managed to cry, hating herself for it – knowing as she did how much harder this would make everything now that he knew. ”I do love you,” she repeated, mentally wondering how dense and uncaring she could possibly get. There didn’t seem to be any sort of line or limit.

She was dimly aware of shaking her head slowly and taking another step back from him, even as her mind urged her forwards. Something just wasn’t right. She closed her eyes, trying to draw on support from whatever – or whoever – would lend it. ”I can’t be with you,” she said slowly, against the will of her screeching and thudding heart. ”Because... I hurt you. I will hurt you.” She inhaled shakily. ”And I can’t let myself hurt you.” She felt so wretched, completely aware that in doing this she was hurting him even more. But if she stayed with him and let him believe that they could be happy together... the pain would be all too much worse when it came. Maybe she just didn’t believe in ‘them’. But Indigo couldn’t trust herself to be with Ash. ”I hurt everyone.” she whispered, realizing it to be the truth. ”You... Stellar... Anyone that loves me ends up bitter and hurt.” The tears were coming even faster now. ”Maybe everyone is better off without me.”

The words came lightly, spoken out loud as quickly as they came to her mind. And then, suddenly, Indigo wasn’t ever aware of moving but she was turning around and running. Something tall. She ran inside the chicken coop, dazed in confused. Up the ladder. Into the loft and out the window onto the roof. Leaping from there to the roof of the barn – taller than the roof of an ordinary house. Her vision swam in front of her and she could see Ash below her. ”I’m sorry Ash. It’s because I love you,” she said, trusting the wind to carry her voice down to him. Funny how she seemed to able to trust almost anything more than herself. She took another step forward and her feet slid against the paint of the roof. She slid closer to the edge. And in that instant, Indigo realized something. Ash would feel guilty if she threw herself off. Ash already did. What if he...? ”Don’t hurt yourself!” Indigo cried, not caring if she was being incredibly arrogant and self-focused just by thinking it. ”I love you!” she called out as she managed to right herself on the roof. It was such a far drop down but to her, it symbolized a way that she could finally put all of her wrongs right. ”I’m sorry,” she cried down to him, tears still pouring thickly down her cheeks. She had stopped herself from falling but for one reason only. If she was going to do this it would be on her own terms.

So she jumped.

Life's worth living for

OOC: Yes lol. Omigod, this post is so sad and emotional. Those seem to be my specialities. And depression. Seriously though, check out the lyrics. Not even on purpose- they're the next in the song. So tragically and sob-worthily fitting in a very depressingly ironic way.

[Ash Firestar]

Stop trying to hallucinate

Ash's intense, but soft blue eyes stared longingly into Indigo's amber ones. Ignoring all she said that he knew would hurt him. He waited a minute then snapped out of his 'trans' as some would call it. After he had said, 'I love you', he felt weird. Like a bird learning to fly, being lifted of another burden off of his burden-infested chest. He sighed with relief. He listened to her speak. "I assure you, you're not hallucinating." He said quietly and calmly. He listened to her shock and "upset-ness". He hung his head. No Indigo, I didn't know I was doing for this...I didn't know...everything in life has a purpose. Ooohh...He was so close to smacking he up-side the head right now. She needed to stop telling herself bad things. She needed to stop it right now. This was going to go badly.

Everything happened so fast. He could hear words coming out of his mouth, "NO! INDIGO!" But he didn't think he said him, but sure enough they were his words. His stupid words that needn't be spoken. Because she did it anyway. She ran up on top of the chicken coop, then leaped and landed on the roof of the barn. He hurried after her. But took a different way. He went into the barn, climbed up the ladder and into piles of hay. He heard plenty of mice and they smelled good, because he realized that he hadn't eaten in a while. Agh, guy parts coming out. The part that really wanted food. He started to run to the hole in the roof, the one where the farmer gets up if the roof needs to be fixed, and leaped up. In that leap, all of his feelings ran away, hunger, anger, everything. Exept love and adrenaline. She leaped, everything stopped. Again he shouted, "INDIGO!"

He grapped her.

Scraping the wood and metal roof, he grabbed her cuff. Her orange fur in his mouth. He kept her in his mouth, no matter how much struggling she would put up and tossed her down to the piles of hay. "SHUT THE HELL UP!" He yelled at her, "I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANY MORE OF THIS "EVERYBODY HATES ME" BUISNESS!" He screamed. "I love you Indigo, and you can be with me. You never meant to hurt me, I never meant to hurt you. It was all an accident." He said more calmly and softer, in a comforting, almost fatherly way. "The truth is, that happens. We're cat for crying out loud! Nobody is perfect, nobody. Don't expect yourself to be. Please, all I'm asking is that you don't try and kill yourself anymore and let me help you."

"We can be happy together, just try."

And let's see what happens

Sorry for semi-powerplaying. I had to rescue her.

[Indigo Wintertrap]

Thanks for the memories

Indigo could feel her lip curling into a pout at the exact same time that he eyes narrowed into a glare. "How do you know?" she challenged sulkily, feeling like a little kitten that's being dealt with before receiving a time-out. But Ash had no control over her. He wasn't her parent. He wasn't even really a friend after all the times they had hurt each other. He was a random cat who she had meant an extremely short time ago and somehow managed to fall painfully in love with. Painfully. That was honestly the best adjective to describe it. She had been a fool in the woods and this was the end result: she had screwed Ash into believing that he loved her too. Which could obviously not be true. The end result. She snorted, knowing all too well what the very end result would be. For her at least. Ash would move on. He barely knew her. He wasn't fooling anyone with his exclamations of love. Obviously fake. He was too nice to be mean to her - too nice to say anything that might push her over the edge. Quite literally in this case. She smirked.

Somehow the increasingly fast approach of her own death was doing nothing but calm her nerves. Soon, she promised herself - Soon, it will all be over No one needed her. She had no family no close friends. She thought of Violet for a second but ignored that thought. She didn't want to feel guilty right now - thinking about the sister who had waited forever to find her. Right now was about her and she would selfishly enjoy that fact until the moment - and her life - passed. How theatrical, wouldn't you agree? She was lost in her own myriad of thoughts but she registered Ash shouting something. Ah yes, he was probably upset. Surely he had realized what she planned. He had never been unintelligent. But she wasn't going to let him ruin things - for himself. Couldn't he realize that he would be better off without her? She sighed and in that moment, bunched her muscles, ready to jump.

She leaped into the air, feeling it whoosh by her. As she started to fall she was jerked out of her calm thoughts harshly and pulled back onto the roof. Indigo let out a startled shriek and hissed, struggling. No. This could not be happening. How had he got here so fast? She'd been thinking too much. Still, she wasn't to blame. Was a cat not entitled to a few reflections before ending their life? She continued to hiss and flail. "What are you doing?" she shrieked. "Trying to be my knight in shining armor?" She let out a derisive laugh. "Too late," she hissed. At least if she had to go mad it was at the end of everything. She had lived a whole two years as sane as possible. It would have been surprising if she had gone through the past few days without snapping. Still laughing hysterically, she was thrown down into a pile of something soft. Hay. She blinked - the mad laughter cut off - and glanced up at Ash questioningly. She felt bad for hurting him again but didn't he understand that this in itself was proof of what she had tried to explain to him. She had hurt him over and over and again and was doing it again. It would never stop. She wasn't the type to learn form her mistakes - she stubbornly made them over and over again. And Ash would bear the brunt of that. Didn't he understand that she wouldn't be able to live with herself if she lived with him and continued to hurt him?

That was why she had to end her life. Before she could hurt him again.

His words struck her hard and she felt tears coming to her eyes but she forced them away. She would not die with tears in her eyes - she was stronger than that. And she was going to die. There was no way that she had given up on that. "No." She said the word calmly, despite being extremely shaken up. "No, Ash. We can't be happy together. Don't blame yourself. Be me. I will only hurt you over and over, just like I'm doing now. But this time will be the last." She offered a small smile and took a step forward, gently resting her cheek against his before stepping back, tears glistening in her eyes. She blinked them away. "I promise," she whispered and turned around suddenly, sprinting up the ladder and back to the edge. The route felt so familiar, even though she had only traced it once before. Perhaps that was what fate did to you. Indigo snorted. It would be so like her to finally start believing in fate just before she died.

She wanted nothing more than to glanced back over her shoulder and see if Ash had bothered following this time. Maybe he had finally realized what she had been trying to get through to him for so long: she wasn't worth the effort. She was a screwed up, unstable, basket case of emotions. And he deserved someone whole and sweet and so much more than that. She wanted him to have given up on her, just like she had given up on him. But she didn't want to look and see nothing behind her - even though that was precisely what she hoped lay there. She didn't look back. Inhaling deeply, she bunched her muscles once more and leaped off the edge of roof, twirling like a leaf to the ground where she fell silent and still.

Even if they weren't so great

OOC: Haha, that's completely understandable - but I DO want her to jump. Don't worry though, I'm not done with her yet.

[Ash Firestar]

Over and over,
over and over

Ash listened to her. Like he always had. Oh, he was this close to slapping some sense into her. This close. Did she not know that that was why he had fallen in love with her? She was so different from the others. She charmed him with her over-dramatic, fun-loving, happy way that she truly is. She was original. He did not wish to have some goody-two-shoes she-cat! Oh no. He wanted her and only her. How could she not realize this? It was kind of obvious. But, of course, she was never going to see that. He sighed. Never. She would never see what he sees in her, ever. "You will never understand, Indigo. Why I fell for you, not you looks, not your talents, but who you truly are," he whispered, "because you're different, I do NOT want some to-good-to-be-true she-cat." He closed his eyes because tears had started forming in them.

He felt her warmth on his cheek, he licked hers very quickly. "Remember this when you attempt suicide again; you are so worth the effort so me." He whispered in her ear. He backed away slowly, crunching the hay with every pawstep that he took. "But if you think you are not worth the effort, then fine. Go ahead and try and kill yourself, I dare you. But, all I want is you to remember that." He turned his back to her and slunk down into the hay. Making a small nest for himself, "Like you're actually going to do what I asked," he mumbled to himself, "you never do." he mumbled it just loud enough so that maybe Indigo might just hear it, maybe not. He did not know Indigo Wintertrap anymore. Nodda. Zip. Zilch. All he knew was her past and how overly-dramatic she handled things. How much of her was that? Oh, about two hundreths. Maybe a tad bit more. He also knew how much she did care about him, how much she wished she could be a different cat; perfect for him. But you already are perfect, you stupid cat! He thought to himself.

He heard her leap up out onto the roof again. "And, if you live, no...when you live, please, please, please find me again." He whispered to her, like she could possibly hear it. He also heard a small, very quiet, 'thump' like something hit the ground. He really wanted to see if she was all right, but he didn't. He stayed where he was. He was going to let her find him again. Not the other way around. He studdered a sigh and covered his eyes, he was about to cry. He would not let himself do that, he was way stronger than this. Much, much, much stronger than this. But, he decided that he was going to be weak for one moment, and then kill off his weaknesses. He let the tears fall down is cheeks, after about five minutes of silent crying, he wiped them away. Tried his best to dry his cheeks, and treaded outside to where Indigo lay.

He just looked at her laying there, still as a tree. Silent as the wind. Tears started to come again, but he quickly blinked them back. He walked over to her and licked her forehead lightly. "I love you Indigo," He whispered, and layed down beside her, hoping with all of his might that she might wake up. But he knew that there was always that little smackeral of evil that ruined everything, that could make her just as much dead as she was alive. He studdered again, trying to hold in his tears. He had met her so quickly, but fallen in love with her just as fast. "and for who you are, not who you wish to be." he finished and laid his head on his paws, still curled up next to her.

I will fall for you.

I guess I can let her jump. Ash just wants her to be happy I guess. Haha, just don't kill her. Please, Ash'll kill himself too if you do. And we certainly wouldn't want that to happen. ;-) lol.

[Indigo Wintertrap]

The end is drawing nearer

She was falling. Falling through the air as the wind buffeted her fur, rubbing it this way and that. But for once, Indigo Wintertrap had ceased caring. And not just about the state of her fur - she had ceased caring about anything and everything. She was throwing everything that tied her down to this world away and in that moment it seemed that there was nothing more beautiful that she could have done. She had made the right choice. But Ash's words struck into her again and again. He didn't want a perfect cat. He wanted her. Well he could find someone else like her - surely she wasn't nearly as unique as he made her out to be. She wasn't going to feel sorry for him now. This was her moment and she was cutting her ties.

Everything seemed to be passing by in such slow-motion. Shouldn't she have hit the ground by now? It was as if life was giving her a a last chance to take in the world before her eyes were closed to it forever. Look around, it seemed to be saying. This is your last chance. And so she did. The trees, the fields, the sun setting on the horizon. This is what she wasn't to see. And the knowledge that a certain gray tom cat was part of this moment certainly increased its beauty too, even if she couldn't see him. With a soft thump she hit the ground. Isn't that horrible? So many tears shed, so many words cried, so many racing thoughts, so much hurt and pain, so many worries, such a final act... all in one soft thump was realized. But there was a snapping sound too that someone seemed quieter than thump. Perhaps because the snapping only represented the breaking of bones and the thump represented the loss of something much greater.

Or perhaps... a second chance?

Indigo inhaled sharply as she hit the ground forcefully, surprised almost by its sudden appearance underneath her. She rolled onto her back and over as she hit, moaning softly as she felt her bones breaking with the impact. Pain seared up her side and she let out a muffled cry. This wasn't right. She was dead. How was she feeling pain? Unless she had landed in hell already. She did deserve it after what she did to Ash... Indigo whimpered. No, her pain couldn't continue could it? It hurt so much... She moaned again. It was only physical pain though. It didn't even compare to the emotional pain of moments ago. She let out another whimper anyway. But then she was aware of a soft feeling on her forehead. Like a gentle tongue licking her comfortingly. Who would comfort her in hell? 'I love you,' the voice said and Indigo moaned, forcing open her eyes to make sure she was correct.

Her view of the world was sideways but it would do. Actually... the world looked the same - except for the angle - as it had before she jumped. Shouldn't everything be bathed in red light or something? Fires dancing all around her? And there he was, just as she'd known when she felt his gentle touch on her head. Her forehead wrinkled in confusion and she tried to piece this together. She understood quickly though and her face crumpled. "Oh no," she cried, trying to get to her paws despite the stabbing pain in her front right leg, which had buckled underneath her in the fall. "Oh no," she continued dazedly. "You jumped too, didn't you? I was trying so hard not to hurt you." All her efforts for nothing and now they were both dead. But Indigo saw now that her death had been another pain to Ash. hopefully less that it would have been if she had have stayed with him. Otherwise she'd died - and so had he! - for nothing. Either way he shouldn't have died. She whimpered. "But why are you here? You don't deserve to be in hell," she stated, her tone almost accusatory as her brow wrinkled in further puzzlement.

As the lights go out

[Ash Firestar]

I can feel you all around me,
Thickening the air I'm breathing,

Ash sighed with relief as he felt her breathing. He looked into her golden eyes, his were happy that she was alive. But disgusted by how she thought of herself. She started to talk. "Indigo, I did no such thing!" He said calmly, although his expression was everything but calm. "Indigo, you never hurt me so much that I could never love you." He stated, how could she continue to think that she hated herself? There isn't anybody like you...absolutely nobody could imatate you. He thought to himself, then he heard her saying something about him not deserving to be in Hell. "Indigo, you are most definately not in Hell. You survived." He said, knowing that she would probably try again.

He glared at her, switching moods so quickly that he even scared himself. "What the hell is your problem? You scared me!" He paused, "I bet you my life that your ex-mate would probably freak out if he heard about this!" He scolded, he felt like he shouldn't be, but he was. He wasn't going to regret his actions anymore. Never again. He looked at her, stress in his light blue orbs. He flicked his tail and started to scratch the ground, like he always did when he was stressed.

He sat up on his haunches next to her, still looking down at her. He was still upset and worried that she might try to jump again. "And don't you think of jumping again!" He growled at her. He just wished that she could see that she was the most original and unsual and beautiful and amazing cat he had ever met. And that was saying something. He had met a lot of cool cats in his life, but never as cool as her. He just looked at her, probingly. Wondering what the hell was she thinking?

Holding on to what I'm feeling,
Savoring this heart that's healing.

[Indigo Wintertrap]

You wind up left for dead

Indigo frowned, finding it hard to contain her confusion. "You... didn't... jump," she said slowly, trying out each word. Individually they were alright but... when put altogether. No. That didn't make sense. How could she be with Ash if he wasn't dead? Was she hallucinating again? Maye that's why he had said he loved her. It was all a figment of her imagination. "Are you real?" she asked, narrowing her eyes suspiciously. If he was a hallucination then her brain had certainly done a good job of it. Or there was a more simple explanation. That being, of course, that she wasn't dead. "Oh," she simply, using the word merely a filler while her mind tried to process this disappointing new piece of information. "I'm alive," she said dully, without a hint of the enthusiasm someone might have expected. She frowned. But then she glanced up at Ash. "Really? But that means you love me a lot... You shouldn't," she added, stubbornly clinging onto her belief that she wasn't good enough for Ash. It wasn't fair for him to take her as is, this messed up wreck. He would if she asked but it wasn't fair. Unless he really did want her.

But this was getting confusing now. She nodded at his part about surviving, still finding it hard to believe that she was alive after all. And she'd planned it so dramatically. What a waste. Now when she actually died, she'd need to make it far more theatrical - she'd have to do a a better job with her real death than she'd done with her fake obviously. She blinked, startled as Ash's mood swung so abruptly. Suddenly she was acutely aware of the throbbing pain in her right leg with the pressure she was putting on it. Feeling foolish, she settled down on her stomach, extending it out from her with a slight wince. "I'm sorry," she mumbled, not sure what else there really was that she could say. "It seemed like the right thing to do." She had justified it in her mind before jumping. "Would you love me if I were any different?" she teased and then inhaled sharply. That probably wasn't the best thing to say. The lines in their relationship were so blurred that they were impossible to make out at all and her comment had definitely not helped. She rolled her eyes with a snort, wincing again at another jolt of pain. "Don't say 'ex-mate," she said, her tone betraying her annoyance with the term. "I don't think a minute counts. He dumped me as soon as you left, you know." She hissed angrily. "Well no. He thought I liked you more and wasn't prepared to fight for me." She felt bad for bashing Stellar but she needed to do something to relieve the pain and well, this was distracting her. "Stupid jerk," she added unnecessarily. Okay maybe that was going too far. But whatever.

She blushed at his last reprimand, snuggling deeper into the grass. "Fine," she managed, sighing exaggeratedly before grinning despite herself and winking at him. "Ow!" she yelped as a sudden shift in position twitched her paw. Now that she was done talking it rather hurt. She gave a soft whimper and then a louder one. At least she was kinda strong. But kinda was the key word. "Oooow! My side," she moaned. She inhaled sharply and winced. "Ribs maybe." She winced and felt the pain in her chest again. "And my front right paw," she added. She had definitely broken something there when she felt - it had hit the ground hard underneath her and then bent in a bad way when it crumpled underneath her. She whimpered again. But at least Ash was here.

Everything was going to be okay.

[Ash Firestar]

""Would you love me if I were any different?"

That felt like a sharp poke from a pencil to Ash, but he didn't show it. "Indigo, I love you for who you are, not who you wish to be." He said calmly, and quietly. He just looked at her. Just looking, and listening. He listened to her tell him about Stellar, just commenting, "Oh," At the end of her first one and "Oh," and the end of her last comment. He sighed and looked at his paws, shuffling them a bit. He heard her yelp 'OW!' and looked up. Obviously, he had been stupid to believe that she survived the jump unharmed. He was so stupid sometimes! She said something about her side hurting, he looked at it, it looked slightly dented; but what did he know about healing? She also talked about her ribs, and her front right paw.

He looked at all of the places where she said it hurt, he had absolutly no clue about how to deal with injuries. What was he supposed to do? Wave his magic wand, say "Abrah Kadabrah!" and everything be OK? No, he couldn't do that. But, was there another with the knowlege of healing? He was confused and unsure what to do. But he had to do something, anything. He couldn't just look at her, then she'd think something was terribly wrong. Ugh, and he wasn't prepared for another emotional attack for about another month. He sighed and said, "Indigo, I have absolutly no idea how to heal you. Do you know anything? Or anybody that can help you?" He said, being truthfully honest. Knowing that she and he would feel guilty for lying to eachother even more, and he had to be truthful anyway. How could he not be? Whatever. He waited patiently for Indigo to think.

[Indigo Wintertrap]

Indigo blinked at the genuine calmness in Ash's voice as he stated the words in such a manner that it made them seem obvious. "Oh." She blinked again, startled by the honesty and by the sheer kindness and size of his feelings for her. "Oh." For once, she didn't know what to say. But then it was Ash's turn to speak in monosyllables and Indigo couldn't help but smile softly at him, wincing once more at the pain in her side. She glanced up at Ash, wondering if he knew anything about healing but her questioned was answered for her. She frowned. "That's okay." After all, she knew nothing about healing so it wasn't fair to expect him to be the genius. She bit her lip nervously. "I need someone," she whimpered, then hated herself for sounding like she blamed one.

Then she got an idea. "Some humans fix up cats when they hurt! Maybe you could take me there?" she suggested, her voice trailing off as she remembered Ash's aversion to humans. "I'm pretty sure there's some place in that market area. But I can't really walk..." She felt so horrible. No. Not that badly. She wasn't about to go jump off a building, at least. But she did feel guilty. "You don't have to," she added in a rush. "I mean, it's my fault and all." She gulped.