Train WrEcK

[Indigo Wintertrap]

{ Reserved for Ash Firestar }

A small orange cat wandered through a ditch at the side of the road. She meandered along slowly, her paw steps heavy and brooding. Every now and then, she would glance upwards and part her jaws as if to let out a thin wail. But no sound ever came. She would lower her eyes, eyes empty and forlorn, and plunge onwards. As the road branched off into the fenced in dump, she turned as if it had been her intention all along. She stopped at the foot of a mound of garbage and raised her petite head to the skies above. Only this time did she finally allow herself to wail.

Indigo let out a thin, piercing wail of anguish before crumpling to the dirt ground beneath her. The dirt settled on her vibrant, orange fur but she paid it no heed as she sobbed. She could still see Ash - still hear him. "Please, don't leave me." How had she responded? By doing nothing other than leaving him - by disobeying his one wish after he had saved her from the abyss of dark depression she had tumbled into. Leaving him had been right, she had told herself. It was the only thing to do - things were getting too deep between them and she needed to sever the bond quickly before it grew. But it was all lies to her ears and she let out a whimper of distress. She had hurt Ash. There was the truth, plain and simple. She had hurt the one cat she wanted least to hurt in the entire world. Of course she was despicable! Maybe now Ash would agree with her.

Her arguments made sense, perhaps, in a small way. But not to herself. Others who only see an event unfold may believe a spoken lie to be the truth. But the one who has lied will always know that it is not the truth and it will always haunt them. Indigo was haunted. She was haunted by the fact that she had lied - not only to Ash but to herself. She had been falling in too deep with Ash but it wasn't just that she thought it would be 'healthier' to leave. True, she was emotionally vulnerable and such an occurance was not the best, but there was more to the story if you peel back the fine layers. Once you did, the truth became apparent for it was really quite plain and simple.

She was afraid of getting hurt.

Why else had she ran out on him? Why else? There was no other reason - none that she would believe, in any case. She whimpered again. She wanted to stand up and leave this filthy place but she couldn't bring herself to do so. She deserved to remain here in this grime and dirt. She deserve to rot away like the carcass of some road kill. She sniffed. She didn't deserve to be a normal cat. She wasn't normal. She was a horrible, vile thing.

[Ash Firestar]

Who would have thought

++ There he was. He had been hurt, true, but he would never be mad at her. "Did I say something wrong?" He asked himself quietly, he tried to avoid Indigo's scent because she wanted to be alone, and he would give her that, that's what she needed. But, he had obviously taken a wrong turn somewhere because her scent was strongest here than it had been in all other places. He shivered, "No, of course I didn't. She thought I loved her...well I do, but not in that way..." he muttered even more quietly. He stood still, his glassy blue eyes had been fixed in front of him ever since Indigo had abandoned him. Well, abandoned was a harsh word, more like...well, no, there is no other word. She is a sweet and sensitive cat-- he thought, but, she's too stubborn to admit that she was scared.

++ "I-won't-hurt-you." is really what Indigo had needed to hear, but, didn't he already say that? Hadn't he said that before? He swore he told her, "I won't hurt you, Indigo..." He wasn't completely following her, he wasn't as emotional, guys some how learned to control their emotions. He stopped completly, he looked around, he knew Indigo was there, he just couldn't see her.

++ Actually, he didn't want to see her. "She wanted to be alone!" He fought his body, but it started to walk towards the scent, she was down in the ditch, he just couldn't see her. "No, I will not walk in on her and make her more upset! NOW MOVE!" he commanded his body and he started to walk the other way. He crouched, still on the rim of the ditch, he moved farther from the edge and kept moving, he still continued to fight his body. His mind told him to be more sensitive and his body told him to run after her. He sighed and laid down, he just didn't know what to do. He shrugged and laid his head on his paws and tried to sleep, but he knew it wouldn't work.

that a mere second could change our lives forever.

[Indigo Wintertrap]

No wonder she was so pathetic. Even when she was filled with self-loathing she still behaved cowardish and plain sad. She knew she had done something wrong and she still wasn't trying to fix it. Acceptance is the fist step but you need to follow it up. She pushed herself to her paws. As she did she caught a familiar scent that sent her heart lurching and a faint feeling into her head. She was dizzy for a moment and she placed a paw on the mound of dirt - it was firm - to keep her balance so she didn't fall over. In. Out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Good girl, Indigo. Ash was here. She had recognized his scent instantly - so quickly that it was sad. But so was everything else about her so that should not have come as a surprise. She inhaled sharply as the scent seemed to grow closer and closer. But then, abruptly, it seemed to start to fade away.

Her eyes widened. He was leaving? Well, of course he is. He's probably realized that you're not worth his time. You left him when he needed you and now you act surprised that he isn't hunting you down to comfort you? Besides, he already was there for you. That's where the whole problem started... The thoughts stung like invidual needles, each piercing her over and over, taunts from the inside of her own head. She wanted to wail with anguish but she couldn't. Ash would hear her. She snorted. He probably already knew she was here if he had any sense of smell whatsoever, and she was sure he was capable enough. But what was she supposed to do? Did he expect her to run after him like he had for her? And then leave like he had? Change her mind?

No. She wasn't going to torment herself with what Ash meant by this and what he wanted from her. Whatever course of action she took would be of her own decision - what she wanted. It was a selfish idea considering how spoiled she'd already acted but Indigo felt in her heart that trying to please Ash when she didn't feel up to would be just like lying and she already knew how the tom felt about that. She felt like someone had grabbed her front legs and someone else the back and they were pulling unceasingly. She needed to run away quickly but she needed to follow. Oh, how confused she was. Her eyes filled to the brim with tears. She was not going to spurn Ash once more. Here was her second chance and she would never forgive herself if she didn't take it. But she was oh, so scared and her heart felt tied in wriggling knows - with no method of deciphering it. What should she do?

"Ash!"

[Ash Firestar]

++ The tom's sensitive ears pricked at his own name, he picked up his head quickly and jumped to his paws. His intense blue eyes suddenly softened as he saw Indigo. Aprently she doesn't wish to be alone anymore. He thought with a slight chuckle. "Indigo!" he said back, mimicking her and running just as she had. He smiled brightly, but she looked distressed, his big smile disapeared and he just looked at her longingly. "Indigo, are you still upset?" He asked stupidly, of course, you idiot! somebody in the back of his mind said. "That was a stupid question..." he muttered, "I want you to know that I'm not mad at you, I would never be mad. That hurt me in the gut, but, I'm all better now. I understood why you ran away, you thought I loved you, didn't you?" he didn't wait for a reply, "Well, I don't. I see you as a really great friend, I love you--" the words slipped out of his mouth, he recovered them by adding, "--like a friend."

++ Wow, that was close. He thought, did he really love her? Did he have a crush on her? He would not let himself think such thoughts, he did not love her, not yet anyway. He was confused himself on such feelings, he daren't look into her eyes, he looked at the ground and waited for her to say something, anything.

[Indigo Wintertrap]

Indigo felt a sense of relief stronger than anything she'd every experienced before when she nheard Ash call her name. Thank god. Thank god, thank god. He was at least speaking to her. Though that too was more than she deserved. She blinked. Yeah, that was a stupid question. Not that she'd be stupid enough to agree with him on that point but... She shook her head. Those were stupid thoughts and she needed to have a clear head. Though at the moment she felt so dizzy it didn't seem possible. She closed her eyes for a moment, breathing in and out as she waited for the blood flow back into her head. Should she lie down?

The feeling passed and she opened her eyes to stare at Ash, somewhat wildly. She realized that and toned down her expression to one of civilized politeness instead of one who is terrorized. She shived. He wasn't mad at her? "You should be mad at me," she murmured. "I deserve it." But it was his next statement that really made her tremble. "I understood why you ran away, you thought I loved you, didn't you? Whoah whoah whoah. Ash though she thought he loved her? She opened her mouth and closed it, unable to make any sound except for some soft of gasp. ""Well, I don't." He continued to say something else but it was that phrase that kept repeating itself in Indigo's mind.

Had she thought he loved her? No. No no no... Right? Yes. He didn't love her. Her whole point was that they just met and she was getting to close. She didn't think he loved her, she was just afraid of becoming so dependent on someone she barely knew because she was so emotionally vulnerable. Could that translate to thinking he loved her and being afraid to love back because she wasn't in the right state? No. That wasn't what she'd meant anyway. But how did he expect her to respond to that. Oh you don't love me so all's good now, I was worrying for nothing. Indigo had a certain sense of pride and it would not let her go along with that. She quivered. "I never thought you loved me, Ash Firestar," she said, quietly and simply. "I never thought you did."

[Ash Firestar]

++ Ash knew he had said the wrong thing. This is the first moment since meeting her he had like mistinterpreted (yes I know that's misspelled...or is it?) her feelings. He had a way with knowing almost exactly what Indigo said, God this is akward! how were they both supposed to reply to that? How could he respond that made him not sound hopeful, like he was expecting her to love him, because he wasn't! He decided to change the subject. "I could never be mad at you, Indigo. I'm too nice for that and you should know that by now. There's no much happy in me to be sad...or mad."

++ Gawd, I'm being very insensitive. He sighed and glanced at his paws. I'ma complete idiot. Why do I have to sound so happy when she's so sad...UGH! THIS IS SO CONFUSING! his mind shouted at him. "I guess..." he struggled trying to put words together to sound like he really wasn't in luv, like he didn't have a little crush, he truly didn't, but he still didn't want her to assume, "What I'm trying to say is that I really...umm...I'm glad you don't." For now, he wanted to add, but, that'd sound so...like he was desprate or something.

++ "Indigo, let us not linger on this subject, what would you like to do that would make us both happy? Hunt? Sleep? Race? Start Mischief? WHAT?" He said, feeling really akward on the subject and not wanting to keep on it, he changed the subject so suddenly, he was trying really hard to avoid it. He was so cofused, his feelings were a big blob of stuff, love, hate, fright, friendship. He shrugged, he was open to any suggestions, whatever she wanted to do. Whatever she wanted to do. He repeated in his head. He smiled kindly and tenderly at the small tabby.

{OOC: The m'azing Sea is fin-eeshed! X3}

[Indigo Wintertrap]

She trembled as he went on to say how he could never be mad at her. No! He wasn't helping this. "No, please. You don't understand. I feel terrible and it makes it worse to know that you're fine about it. Just be mad at me! You should be, dammit! You were there and comforted when I needed someone so badly and as soon as you wanted anything from me - something as simple as not leaving - I ran out of you!" She was screaming and she broke off suddenly. "Please, please, Ash. Just get mad at me like I deserve. Please." She gulped. Now look at how twisted she had become? She was begging Ash, the sweetest guy in the world, to get mad at her. She couldn't do that. "Nevermind," she murmured softly.

And what was that? He was glad that she didn't think he loved her? Why didn't he just come out and say that he didn't want anything between them ever. It was easier than these subtle stabs - managing to hit all the right places. She doubted Ash was trying to hurt her but hurt didn't have to be intentional to still hurt. And why was she so hurt anyway? She didn't like Ash so why should she care if he liked her back? No, not back because she didn't like him. But then why was she making such a fuss? Maybe, a small voice coaxed, just maybe... because she did like him. What? No. No. She had just met him. Then again, she already knew he was the sweetest guy she'd ever met. And after going through that nasty little episode back in the woods, Ash had been the one to save her. That had obviously had some sort of impact.

But no. She was crazy. She couldn't like Ash. Especially not after he had so bluntly stated that he had no romantic feelings for her whatsoever. She winced. Apparently Ash was all too eager to move on to something else though. Indigo was confused. Was he sick of dealing with an emotional train wreck? It was about time but she didn't think he'd be that way. No, she reasoned. He was trying to help her. He thought she should get her mind off her problems. Maybe it was a smart point but Indigo didn't want to move away them. They were overwhelming her but she was perfectly content to drown in them without a cry.

"Whatever you'd like," she murmured quietly, her focus far more rooted in her head than with the spotted tom in front of her. How spiteful that she chose to ignore him when he was still trying to be nice? It was like a reflex now - someone was nice to her, she tried to hurt them or simply pulled away.

[Stellar Snowpaw]

Stellar sighed as we walked through the dump. Why was he here? He didn't know. He just, needed time alone. He breathed in deep. He realized there was a very familiar scent in the air. Indigo. He followed the scent, and found Indigo and another male talking about love. Stellar dropped onto his belly. 'No chance, now.' Stellar sighed.

Stellar decided to walk down to them after listening to them. "Hi, Indigo." Stellar spoke as cheerful as he could, but it didn't do much. He felt hurt. "Who's this?" Stellar sat down, a bit too far from Indigo for his liking.

"Can I talk to you alone, Indigo?" This was it. Stellar was going to tell Indigo his feeling towards her. He gulped. This was it...

OOC: Short post! PHEAR IT!;

[Ash Firestar]

++ Ash sighed, "I have no idea that's why I wa--" He stopped suddenly as a cat-scent wafted into his nostrils. He looked away from Idigo and saw a brown tabby cat loping noisily to them, well, it was noisy to him. He stepped away from her lightly, almost silently. He nodded his crown welcomingly. "Why are names so important?" He quoted from Indigo, and winked at her in a friendly, silly way. "Why the long face?" He asked this stranger. Who was he? Why was he here? He wanted to talk to Indigo in private, why? Millions of questions buzzed throughout his mind, he just swatted them away like gnats and focused on this male standing next to him. Ash thought that his name would be sort of...no, he had no idea what his name would be. He sighed again and continued to look away from Indigo to the tom standing next to him, his blue orbs wanting to know an answer. He knew when somebody was lying, but, if he did fib to him, he wasn't going to question him, he knew that much.

++ Of course, most guys aren't very good at taking on emotional feelings, but he was, though, he didn't think he could handle much more serious emotions for at least a week other than his own. He dealt with Indigo's emotional spiral, and that was saying something (even if he had no idea what). He struggled to lose his thoughts and focus on 'tommy'. That's what he was going to call him in his head until tommy just told him his name. He smiled lightly to himself, he was being like Indigo. But, he didn't want to; as he said before, he wanted to be different and not blend into the crowd.

[Stellar Snowpaw]

Stellar stopped in his tracks. "Uhm... Things have happened between me and Indigo that I wish never would have now." Stellar nodded to himself, happy with his statement. It wasn't a fib, but not entirely true. He still loved Indigo; she seemed to like Ash, though. Stellar looked at the other tom. "You seem to want to know something? My name?" Stellar almost wanted to restrict himself from talking to the tom anymore. He wanted to run, but he wouldn't.

Stellar sat down, looked at the ground, then back at Ash. He almost said that he was Stellar Wintertrap, wanting to really scare Ash, but he said his real dub, being a truthful he-cat, living up to his name. "My name is Stellar Snowpaw... I see you have met Indigo. Are you two aqquanted in any way?" He knew that they were, he just wanted to see what Ash would say.

[Indigo Wintertrap]

Indigo bit the inside of her cheek. Well this was awkward if neither of them had any clue what they wanted to do. Very awakward. She was spared further awkward as a familiar voice and scent arrived and her ears pricked up. She blinked dumbly. "Hi," she managed, still surprised to see Stellar here. She hadn't forgotten him but it was hard to comprehend that the world around her still existed and flourished even when she was so lost. At least she was a bit better. For some, nagging, reason, she was glad that Stellar had not seen her like that. "Alone?" she asked, slightly confused. What could he possibly want to talk to her about that Ash couldn't hear? But, then again, he didn't know Ash - he didn't know he was a friend. She nodded slowly.

It was hard to muffle as snort as she heard Ash asking why names were so important. It brought her directly back to when she'd met him back in the forest. Sheesh, that wasn't long ago at all. It seemed so though. Crazy. She giggled quietly and winked back at him before turning her attention to Stellar, not wanting her other friend to feel on the outs. It felt weird to be worry about that kinda stuff but also slightly comforting that everything was normal, after all. Only she was screwed up. Okay, that wasn't so comforting. She snorted. But her ears pricked forward as Stellar said something else.He wishes never would have... what? But nothing had happened between them really. They'd become friends... What else? He'd taught her how to hunt? Did he wish he hadn't - no, that didn't make sense. Was she suffering some sort of weird amnesia? Her eyes widened in fright. Or... he could be lying. Ah, yes. That was better. Much less scary. She relaxed.

But then... why was he lying? Relazing didn't seem like an option. She was too confused? "What?" she asked, in a slight daze. She tried to appear as on top of things as possible - and most probably failed. "Yeah," she said, answering the question for Ash - wanting to keep the conversation flowing safely. "Yeah, Ash is a friend of mine - we met shortly after the excursion or whatever with Tamar and Storm," she briefed Stellar, smiling at the memory. Ah shit, now Ash was on the outs. Dammit, she sucked at the whole 'managing two friends' deal. "I'll just be a sec," she said to Ash quietly, smiling at the tom and flicking him playfully with her tail before trotting over to Stellar. "What is this about? What do you wish never happened?" she asked, impatience showing through her whisper.

OOC: Baha. Sorry for taking forever - life is crazy. NINE projects. Nine! -Shakes head in disbelief/horror- Right now I so hate my teachers.

[Stellar Snowpaw]

Stellar sighed. He was horrible at lying. That was the worst lie in the world. He sighed.

"Indigo, you know why I was being so nice to you? You kown why I was hunting for you, even when you didn't need it? You know why I came here (even though I wasn't looking for you)?" Stellar sat down. He didn't know what to say. Before he was eager to say it before something happened, but, now he just... Stellar sighed.

"Indigo, I love you... The reason why I was jealous when you met Sky, and Ash, is because I love you..." There. He had said it, it was done, and now he felt like running away before Indigo could say anything. He felt like the biggest fool in the universe for speaking his mind. He wouldn't blame Indigo for just shaking her head and walking back over to Ash and nuzzle him or something.

That thought made Stellar want to cry. When Sky had been flirting with her, it made Stellar's stomach twist in a knot. Now that thought made the same thing happen. He laid down in pain.

[Indigo Wintertrap]

Indigo's brow furrowed in confusion as Stellar started to talk - about something that didn't seem to have anything to do with what he 'never wishes happened'. It took her a moment to realize that that was probably just a lie to she would talk to him. Normally she wouldn't have cared - been flattered even. But now it just reminded of her own lie and Ash and the trouble that had followed suit. Her stomach fluttered anxiously as Stellar went on - she still couldn't see where he was going.

"Indigo, I love you..." She let out a small, disbelieving gasp but it was almost silent. Okay, so she had not been expecting that. Maybe she had misheard. But Stellar kept talking, most of the words a blur. But then he said it again. He loved her. But now the question was... did she love him? In a way, yes. She'd known him since shortly after she'd been dumped on the streets and he'd been a good friend in the past months.

But did she love him? She...she honestly didn't know. What was she supposed to say? "I need to think about it"? No way. That would be horrible and just plain mean to leave him hanging there. And what about Ash? For some reason the black-spotted tom kept creeping into her thoughts now even though she knew she should focus on Stellar. But Ash had said he didn't love her. There was no reason for him to be upset if she did love Stellar. If she did.

And she did. Right? Or at least she would. No, she did. Ugh. She smiled hesitantly at Stellar. He would want her to love him too, right? Or would he just want the truth which was that she hadn't really thought of him that way. He was a crush but that was as far as she had explored. She hadn't thought of anything more. But that meant this was a good thing! She was getting more than she had hoped for. She should be happy. So why was she so confused?

"Wow," she said, her voice a little shaky. She grinned though. "I never guess, I mean... I've always liked you, Stellar. Since we met. And I guess I can say it but... I think I love you too."

She was either throwing herself off a sinking ship and letting a safe life raft carry her to shore...

Or she was making the biggest mistake ever.

[Stellar Snowpaw]

Stellar waited for Indigo to speak. Her eyes looked as though they were swimming in tears, thought, and sadness. The first and last Stellar never wanted to see again, and the second was something that could be either good or bad. Stellar hoped it would be good.

He heard her utter a few words, some of them harly understandleble to Stellar. The ones he did hear seemed confused... Maybe even scared. Stellar never wnated to make Indigo any of those things. But he was. He was making this hard for Indigo. Here she had just met another he-cat, and he was telling her he loved her. He looked at the ground in shame.

"Indigo..." He looked back up, making sure his lovely she-cat was still there. Though she wasn't his, he liked to think of it that way to complete his heart. "You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. If you don't want to be my mate, you don't have to. If you don't want to say you love me, you don't have to. You don't even have to ever look at me if you don't want to." Stellar sighed. He felt like getting up and walking away. But he had to stay with Indigo. "What I mean to say is... Will you be my..." Stellar couldn't say anymore. The words wouldn't come out. Images of two known he-cats, Ash and Sky, and many other unknown ones floated in his mind. All of them would make Indigo think if her decision was right or not. The tabby he-cat fell down to his stomach. He just wanted to die. He wanted to close his eyes and fly away. He wanted to scream. He... He had so many things he wanted to do and yet he could do nothing. He had to stay here. He couldn't run away like he wanted to. He loved Indigo, and if he ran away... All he had done would be shattered, and Indigo would probally be offeneded, anyway...

Stellar was lost.

[Indigo Wintertrap]

Everything I seem to want
Is what I can't have at all.

Surprisingly enough, she no longer felt nervous. She had to be making the right decision. Stellar was right for her. She needed someone who was a friend, someone who she trusted, someone who she knew could comfort her and be her safe spot... In short, everything Ash had been for her. Her mind flared up in protest. Where had that come from? Ash had nothing to do with this. Nothing! Alright, so maybe he was the perfect tom for her too but he had clearly spelled out that he didn't have feelings for her. Stellar was perfect too and he did love her. So why was this such a hard decision? Simple: it wasn't

She managed a grin at Stellar, as if smiling would force her to be happy. "No, Stellar. I'm not saying anything to make you happy. I'm saying it because I honestly believe it will make me happy to be with you," she whispered fiercely. "I do love you and I... I will be your mate, if you're willing to be mine," she added, continuing, for reasons unknown, to whisper. "So yes," she said finally. "I will."

Something told her that she should have been happier. Shouldn't this have been the happiest moment in her life? She was just so confused. But there was no reason to be. The only reason Ash seemed so close was because of the small little episode that she'd been through with him - something that Stellar would never be able to understand because he hadn't been there. But she didn't want Stellar to know about what had happened. She wanted to put it - and Ash - behind her. She would still be friends with Ash but that was all they would ever be.

After all, that's what he'd said anyway.