Crowning G L O R Y {Indigo}

[Indigo Wintertrap]

I did it.

These past few days I've been going crazy thinking about Stellar. I physically needed to see him again and fix things between us after what I'd realized. He never turned his back on me - I turned my back on him. So I'd been thinking about trying to get a message to him somehow. Well, I did. I asked around for him and found a she-cat named Dapple who'd seen him. She took him the message that I, Indigo, wanted to meet him the next night at the town dump. The morning of the day we were supposed to meet, Dapple came back and said she'd passed on the message but he hadn't said if he would come.

God, I felt so nervous waiting there for there for him. What if he hadn't shown up? How would I have been able to keep it together? I needed to see him, so badly. And all the while I was waiting there, I just felt so guilty because I knew that I wasn't going to tell Ash about this - that I would lie about what I had done that night if he asked. Which led me to feel even guiltier because it hinted that there would be something to hide from him. Of course, I told myself that it would just be because he wouldn't understand. But I couldn't escape from the nagging little thought that maybe I still had feelings for Stellar.

I was so confused because I wanted him to come but I didn't want him to come. I wanted to see him but I didn't want to see him. I shouldn't have worried.

He came.

It was so amazing seeing him again. I felt so horrible for running off on him and now that I had missed him - now that my heart had pounded so hardly when I saw that he had come... I knew that I had loved him, without realizing it. That I do love him. But what could I do? I can't leave Ash, not after all I've put him through. And I do love Ash, I really really do. More than Stellar. But that doesn't erase the fact that I love Stellar. Just not enough.

Stellar said that the time that we were mates was the best two minutes of his life.

I told him that I love him.

And before you cringe or get mad, I know that it was a mistake. I knew the minute that the words slipped out of my mouth - a complete accident, by the way - that I shouldn't have said them. I knew that they would make things worse. Stellar couldn't know that I love him because then it would be harder on both of us - harder on him, and I didn't want to make this harder for him. He'd realize it wasn't a lost battle.

Except that, it kind of is.

And then I did something even worse - something that would cause so much more pain in the long run and was so selfish of me and as I was doing it I realized all of this and still plowed ahead relentlessly.

I told Stellar that I wanted to be with him for one night. One night to see what could have been mine. Ours.

It was stupid. I am well aware of the fact that it was stupid and that I have now officially cheated on Ash because I don't think it gets much worse than mating with an ex. Afterwards it all caught up to me. All the reasons I shouldn't have done what I did... they caught up to me. And I realized something. Seizing the day is fine and gorgeous and all that, but the problem with not thinking about the future is that it will eventually be the future and then you're caught unawares with no clue what the hell to do.

But I'd like to believe that it wasn't just a one night stand. We love each other. Or at least, I love him.

And now you're wondering why Stellar wouldn't love me any more. I know you are. Well, I guess I should continue, although I warn you, this is where it gets nastier. Ironically, it's also the one moment where I do the right thing.

Now what exactly does that tell you about my judgment?

Stellar loved me and I couldn't be with him - I can't be with him. I couldn't just walk away knowing that Stellar loved me and would continue to love me. I'd messed him up so much, I couldn't leave him there like that, knowing how hard life would be for him. And no, I'm not being vain or conceited, I'm being realistic. Imagining if the situation was reversed. I realized that Stellar had to stop loving me so he could move on. I needed to make him stop loving me.

I said stuff to him... God, I can barely remember. But I have to! Something as important as the words that drove Stellar away... He said is Ash was mad or tried to hut me when he found out that I should tell him. Which was sweet but unnecessary because A) Ash isn't like that and B) I'm not going to tell him. I told him I'd be fine and that's when I saw the opening. I reminded Stellar that Ash loves me and I said...

"And not like you and me. On a much deeper level. And we'll love each other for the rest of forever."

I am the most horrible, despicable cat alive.

But I did it because I wanted - needed - Stellar to hate me. To look back at this and see nothing but a girl who used him, who this was all a joke to. To be angry at me finally and get over this and move one. Because that's what I was going to do. Move on. But honest to god, it was all it lie.

It wasn't a joke.

[Indigo Wintertrap]

I am so messed up. Honestly I spend my time wandering around in a daze, completely screwed up and unable to let anything go. I made a mistake with Stellar. I love him and he hates me and that should be a good thing but it hurts so much - like a knife that knows exactly where to dig into your flesh. I shouldn't have mated with him. It was reckless and foolish - two qualities I seem to be endorsing nowadays - and in the long run, it was stupid. Now I'm so screwed up emotionally and I'm getting that old feeling of floating in this big sea of nothingness and wanting nothing more than a life raft to hold onto so I can be carried to be safety. But I can't keep expecting everyone - anyone - else to fix all my problems. I need to do it myself. But there's another consequence that should have been at the very front of my mind when I had the brilliant idea to mate with Stellar but wasn't...

And I think I might be suffering it.

I can't think that.

[Indigo Wintertrap]

[WIP]

Images and etc coming soon