I can’t believe it. How could she do this to me? What an evil woman. I was so happy with my dear guitar-playing, sweet owner. Then she came along and just whisked me out! I loved that home and I’ll never see it again. I know she was sad about it – that’s what tears usually mean in any case – but if she was so upset she could have bloody well kept me. I need to calm down. Maybe this is a good thing – a turning point in my life, if you will.
I’m a stray now. A feral cat, a wanderer, however it pleases you to say it. I have no home and no family but do you know what else that means? I have no ties, no roots to any place. It might sound horrible but I’m beginning to realize that it’s not. Far from it for I can do as I please and go where I want whenever the urge to do so comes upon me. No bars and walls keep me caged in and I no longer sit on one side of a window looking out.
Now I’m on the outside, looking in with only thing to do: laugh.
She might be crying but I am no longer doing so. I’m thrilled, to be honest. No one can tell me what to do or how to live my life. I’m sure I can pick up the ‘street smarts’ fast enough anyhow. Now I’m truly free to do as I please and I have only one thing left to say:
Post by Indigo Wintertrap on Apr 27, 2008 10:56:50 GMT -5
((Author's note: In this case, the links are in the opposite order of chronology since Indigo first mentions getting "bitten" and then goes to explain how it all happened))
Well that tops it all. Bitten by a fish. What else is next? A pig will fly over my head? Alright so it wasn’t exactly that it bit me. More like stung with it’s creepy stinger-things. FIRST I left that old dirt road where I got dumped behind and left Brook there to contend with Moon (A fellow abandon-ee and a little kitten who was also dumped). I came to a forest, a beautiful forest and met this tabby who introduced himself to me as Stellar. He seemed nice and quite handsome.
Anyway, he was all stoked up about going fishing in the ice or something like that so I was like “Sure!” and we headed off. I got to the river first and jumped out at him. It was funny. Anyway, apparently he warned me about catfish (I know, doesn’t that make it worse? A cat getting bitten by a catfish.) in some lecture when we arrived but I wasn’t exactly paying attention so then as soon as I went up to bat what else could happen but Chomp! Yeah my paw was all bloody and a bit of a gross mess but Stellar was so sweet and told me to stick it in the snow to make it better. Oh yeah, I guess it was more Sting! Than Chomp! Since I don’t think fish have teeth.
Post by Indigo Wintertrap on Apr 27, 2008 11:18:30 GMT -5
((Author's note: Once again, the links are in the opposite order of chronology))
I think Stellar likes me! It’s just a hunch but I have a tingly feeling that it is correct with a capital C. Wow, I’m such a dork. Anyway what happened was we met a tom named Sky. Actually it was near where I myself was abandoned which is kind of funny. I got there first and chatted him up and then Stellar arrived. Anyway my grand theory comes from the fact that he was acting jealous! Or if not jealous than at least slightly competitive with Sky for my favors. Me!
Sky seemed rather nice and we talked about him getting to the streets and how he used to be a housecat too. Stellar was bit rude about his collar but I managed not to make a big deal cause I know they were just both trying to impress me. I’m so thrilled I could do a little dance. Of course I barely know Sky but still, he was acting a bit competitive as well if I do say so myself. God, I sound so vain. I’m sorry but it’s true! But still: I think Stellar likes me! And while I’m not head over heels fallen for him, I’ve noticed that he’s cute and so sweet and I’d be lying to myself if I pretended I wasn’t crushing on him. And now it looks like the feeling might be mutual!
We also met some she-cat before running into Sky but she didn’t seem that friendly - she just ignored us. Whatever. She’s probably feeling bad about being abandoned, you know?
Post by Indigo Wintertrap on Jun 9, 2008 16:04:42 GMT -5
Soooo, Sky wasn't the only newcomer just hitting the streets. Stellar and me got to welcome these two other cats: Tamar and Storm. Tamar, now that's an unusual name. Nice, though. They both got "dropped off" at like the exact same time almost. Weird. Anyway, we said hi to them and they seemed nice so we headed to the woods. We chatted for a bit and Stellar decided he was going to teach me how to catch mice. How sweet is that? I swear, he's so perfect. Gosh, I'm in love! Ha ha ha ha.
Anyway, Tamar was flirting with Storm and Stellar and me were flirting to so it was like this funny little double date kinda thing. But then Tamar went far or whatever and Storm and me decided to get back him cause we're just so cool. It was wonderful! I swear, I have no clue why some cats complain about life as a stray. I'm finding it to be pretty damn awesome.
Post by Indigo Wintertrap on Jun 9, 2008 17:01:40 GMT -5
You'll never guess what I found out today. Never! That's why I'm not gonna bother with the traditional 'guess what?' and just go ahead and spill the beans.
I have a sister! Well technically, a half sister, but still! I've never had a sister before - only three brothers. And now I have a sister! God, I'm just so unbelievably thrilled right now, nothing can bring me down from my little perch in the sun. Nothing!
Her name is Violet - Violet Wildflower. We have the same mom! Which makes it all the more special because I never really knew my dad so here I have one last link to the parent that I did know. Violet didn't have any litter mates growing up so apparently her mom - my mom, too! - would tell her about her older siblings - me and my brothers - and told her our names and what we looked like and everything and Violet always wanted to meet us. Gosh, I feel like such a celebrity! Ha ha.
I must admit I was astounded when Violet told me - completely astounded. You see, I'd just been lying in the pumpkin patch being all philosophical and whatnot when I see this other she-cat and she introduced herself to me and then when I introduced myself she went crazy. She asked if my mom was Star Honeysuckle - and she is - and then she like 'Oh my god, you're my half sister!' I was like 'What?!' at first, so stunned by the news but then she explained and I just felt so happy.
We even had a sister chat! She told me about this tom she met named Rowan who she likes but she's not sure what to do or whatever and I gave her advice! Cool, eh? Oh and shut up, I can hear you laughing now that someone like me, who's never been in a relationship, can give advice to someone else but it's mostly common sense. How hard can it be to not screw everything up as long as you have a good head on your shoulders? And besides, maybe I have been thinking lately about a certain Stellar Snowpaw someone.
I met this tom. Ash Firestar. It was funny though cause at first I didn't tell him my name, I thought it would be so nice to meet a stranger and just talk and then leave with no expectations of future meetings and all that. Sounds beautiful, doesn't it? Well it brought on a round of philosophy which was interesting and exhilarating all at the same time - like being on cloud nine but strangely clear-headed. You know the feeling?
Well, I do now.
I ended up revealing my name to him though and we talked some more. There was just something about him that seemed so comforting. The kind of someone who you can automatically trust not to reveal your secrets or whatever you tell them. He talked about running away from his as a pet and I lied and said that I had done the same. I wanted to impress for some odd but understandable reason. He knew I was lying though. I told him I had lied because I was ashamed of being abandoned like an old toy and having no say in the matter. And how I should hate humans like other strays but I loved Jeff, I really did.
I completely fell apart. I just felt so ashamed of pretending to be all 'stray' but really having such a spoiled past. I felt so guilty about loving a human like my family when they've done so much wrong and I felt bad for the others that are abandoned. I hated myself so much for a few moments. I didn't deserve a good life. I don't. Ash was so comforting though, it felt as though I had known him for so long. He was there for me like some sort of life raft and he pulled me out of my chasm of depression or whatever you want to call it. It's hard to explain. I felt so horrible about letting him save me from self-loathing but I needed it, I really did. I think I might have over-reacted.
I was so confused. I still am. Did I - do I have feelings for Ash? How could I? I barely know him? I was so confused and then he said something. He said he didn't want me to leave him. That's when I got scared. I was feeling so vulnerable. I had just gone through everything about how terrible I was and he had saved me but emotionally I was so weak and I was getting pulled in too much to Ash, whether he realized it or not. I was becoming attached and dependent on this tom that I barely knew. For my own sake, I had to do exactly what he had asked me not to. I had to leave.
But that just makes things worse. Now I have more reasons to hate myself: Ash was there for me when no one else was and he asked one small, uncomplicated thing from me and I had to mess everything up and run away from him. This time, I'm not over-reacting. I am a horrible cat, without question. I feel so guilty but I can't turn back. Somehow I need to cope and hope to the high heavens that Ash won't hate me forever.
I was wandering through the dump and I caught his scent and I just. But then it started to get farther and farther away. Before I could register anything I guess I took the plunge. I cried out his name and ran after him. He wasn't even mad at me. I apologized for being such scum and he said he could never be mad at me. But there's something else. He said he knew why I ran away. He said it was because I thought he loved me.
And then he said that he didn't.
What was I supposed to say? Confess that that's what I thought and why I left? Laugh it off and say it's good that he doesn't let me? I may be pathetic but a girl's gotta have some pride even when there's nothing left to be proud of. How was I supposed to agree with him? I said I didn't think he loved me and I never had. I lied to him again. And then he said he was glad. He's so honest but it's starting to kill me.
I never - and that's the never-in-a-thousand-bazillion-gazillion-even-in-my-wildest-dreams kinda never - would have predicted what happened next though. Stellar showed up. He said he wanted to talk to me alone. And here's the bombshell:
He said he loved me.
My first reaction was to wish that Ash could have said that to me. But then I felt horrible. I'd had feelings for Stellar for so long and I was so sure I was starting to fall in love with him. We make a cute couple. But Ash... he was something else entirely. I don't know whether or not the two of us are meant to be together or not. There are sparks between us, whatever he thinks, but maybe we're just too different. Maybe there's too much drama.
I told Stellar I loved him.
He asked me to be his mate.
I said yes.
Am I or am I not the biggest idiot in the world? I was so down and then I so eagerly fell into his arms without protest. Maybe I just want this thing with Ash to be over. Which is most likely because when I turned back he was gone. Maybe he did have feelings after all. Or maybe he just finally started to despise me. I should have known it would come on soon enough. Seeing me with Stellar probably just bumped up it's planned arrival date.
Ash was with me when I fell apart and that's something that Stellar will never be able to understand. I barely do. He's the only one that has an inkling of an understanding of what I went through - no other cat in the world has a clue. And he was the one that comforted me and saved me. And that ties us together whether he likes it or not. Stellar doesn't have a clue. But maybe that's why I want to be with him.
Post by Indigo Wintertrap on Jun 12, 2008 18:40:20 GMT -5
(Continuation from same thread as last time)
Wow. I don't know what to say. Stellar left me too. We were 'mates' for what, two minutes? Apparently he doesn't love me enough to face the fact that someone else will be mad at him for it. In other words, he'd have been useless if it ever came to 'fighting for me'. And that's not something I can appreciate whatsoever. I don't know how to explain what I feel. I'm just so sick of screwing things up and being screwed over in return and I need this to stop. I try and get what I want but in the end I'm just used like a plaything and left behind when no one wants me. That's what I was to the humans and apparently cats think of me the same way. Everyone thinks I'm useless.
Damn though, it just pisses me off so much! We've been friends since I was abandoned pretty much and we've always liked each other, even if it was just maybe a small crush or whatever... And then he's going to give up so easy over some make-believe competition! I don't love Ash! Okay, maybe I do. But I shouldn't because it's stupid because I barely know him and more than likely I'll end up getting my heart broken. So not what I want. But as soon as Stellar thinks he'll have to prove his love to me and fight for me he backs out. How low is that? And how exactly do you think I feel now? Gee, he loves me but obviously not very much!!
God, I'm just sick of this now. Of all the drama that seems to flare up whenever I see Ash. The first time I take a plunge into depression and now I get to lose my best friend and I don't even get him in return because he walked out on me. They both did. So, ooh la la, lucky me. The damsel has officially lost both knights and it's doubtful that she'll ever get either of them back.
Post by Indigo Wintertrap on Jul 11, 2008 17:24:05 GMT -5
Oh my god.
Why is it I find myself saying that phrase - or at least thinking it - so often lately? My life has gone from the calm existence of a housepet to the fun freedom of a stray to a dark era of depression and finally...
Oh yeah, ha ha. Funny, I know. But seriously, everyone should have realized it was coming what with my insta-total-depression. Sheesh. The weirdest thing is, I'm not scared. I'm not scared that I'm going to try it again. But... I didn't feel relieved when I found out. I was disappointed. That's what scares me. Am I really so far gone? Or has some mental disorder popped up out of nowhere and begun feasting itself on my mind. No. I need to stop. I won't think this. I'm not going to do this to myself and scare me even more then I already am. But I'm confusing myself.
I was at the chicken coop. And that out of nowhere who should I see but Ash? I apologized, I think. And then we talked about Stellar and me (I told him Stellar dumped me it didn't last more than a minute). I told him that I wasn't good enough for him, basically, something he stubbornly seems unable to accept. And I figured that I love Ash, I really do, but I always seem to hurt him and if I run out on him that too will hurt but it will save him so much pain in the long run. Sounds like some pretty sound, selfless thinking, right?
But then I had this brilliant idea of taking my plan one step further. Why shouldn't I just disappear altogether? Save the whole world the pain of hanging around me since it seems to end up being pretty painful.
That's when I decided to throw myself off the roof of the chicken coop.
Except Ash grabbed me before I could fall and pulled me down into the barn. He said he wouldn't let me do this and a bunch of sweet stuff but my mind was made up so I ran past him and jumped.
He let me go.
But then I opened my eyes and I was so confused. How could I be here? I, obviously, deserve to live in Hell and this place didn't look like Hell. Of course it was horrible to see Ash - that's what really tipped me over to the fact that I wasn't in Hell because there's no way in the world that Ash deserves to be there. So maybe I was in Heaven? But that would be strange for me. And how could Ash be dead? Had he thrown himself off the roof after me? Shame that all my efforts to spare him pain had gone to waste.
I didn't believe that I was still alive but when he denied jumping off the roof it became apparent that I was. And the fact that I could feel that I definitely broken a leg and a rib or something. Ash had a great idea. He ran to town to get this crazy old lady who loves cats and she came and got me and brought me to the vet's. It was weird being there - I hadn't set foot in a vet's office since my time as a housepet which feels like so long ago. Anyway he bandaged me up and all that jazz and the crazy lady took me home and let me lie down in this bed, which I have to admit is really comfy. Ash came in at first but he doesn't like being indoors so he went out but he said he'll hang around. Maybe I'll see him in the morning.
Post by Indigo Wintertrap on Aug 2, 2008 7:41:12 GMT -5
Whew. What a crazy mix of ups and downs today. It started out fine, I was fairly happy, just ambling along by the stream. Then I had to be stupid and say hello to this brown tabby. Turns out he's more of the anti-social type. Which I can understand and all - or at least not hate him for - but then he also turns out to be this huge jerk. He's nice and then just snaps and me and just keeps switching his mood and was so so hard to figure out. It really bugged me and I sort of... snapped.
I kind of yelled at him for a bit. It was scary actually because I'd been fine and then... I don't know. Does this mean I'm still all screwed up? And I'd thought I'd been better. Damn him. Anyway then he spouted so psycho-analysis crap about how I was using him as a "scapegoat" or whatever instead of yelling at the cats that deserved to be yelled at. Of course, I launched onto some tirade about he was so unbelievably self-centered and how could he possibly piss off some random she-cat and then have the nerve to suggest that it had nothing to do with him?
Ugh. Ugh ugh ugh. Because you see, it got me thinking, as much as I didn't want to let him get to me. Maybe I was scapegoating or whatever. But he was just so annoying! I... I attacked him actually. I feel terrible about now - well, kinda - but at the time I was just so blinded. I wasn't myself. I am still messed up. Or unstable - whatever you want to call it. But that's not the point. Here's the funny thing:
HE DIDN'T FIGHT BACK.
Not at all! He just let me scratch and batter him and didn't defend himself. What the hell?! It was just like when I was yelling at him and he'd respond so coolly as if none of this managed to bug him. I swear, it was all just to get a rise out of me. I know it sounds self-absorbed to assume that he didn't fight back because he wanted to bug me instead of just thinking that hey, maybe he was being nice, but it's true.
That's not the weirdest part though. Then I went off and started to cry. It was so embarrassing! He left then - big shocker there - and I was alone. I didn't want to cry and I got up and started to walk away. I guess I figured that if I pretended I had a plan, I'd be fine. But I didn't. I know that I can't run away from everyone forever but for this afternoon, I did. I just went down to the stream and watched everything. It was so easy to feel myself fading away. The river didn't care about me. The fish don't care about me. I was nothing there, non-existent. It was rather nice - my little happy place, I suppose you could call it.
So I both started and ended the day happy but the middle was a blur of anger and frustration. I hope it won't happen again though. When I was at the river, I tried to let go of problems. Not ignore or push them away to be thought about later but just... let go. Like big balloons. They'll float away and stop bothering me. After all, if I stop worrying about whether or not I'm unstable and still screwed up, then I won't be so stressed and maybe I won't snap anymore. It's worth a shot, anyway.