{j} if you could look into my soul ,

[Soul Dreamcatcher]

She loves me, she loves me not.

Yeah, it's hard. I'm telling you, my head is just cluttered with all sorts of confusing thoughts right now, and I'm not sure which ones to believe.

Ugh, why can't life just be easy? It's just save us all so much time. Anyways, it happened a few weeks ago- the Meastro died. He was sick, and I could tell it would happen but. I just- I dunno. I just hoped. And that was the worst mistake of them all.

Maybe optimism is just another word for denial. Life's a bitch, and we always just move on. Ever wish you could punch life in the face?

So I'm a stray now, and it's weird. Waking up, wondering why it's so bright, recognizing that I'm outside, wondering why I'm outside, and then remembering. Why can't I have just lost these memories? It would juust be so. Much. Easier.

I met two girls today- Melody, and Phantom. Phantom's really shy- I even made her cry. Wow, and I felt bad when I spilt the Maestro's milk a while back. I just felt horrible. Poor girl, she thinks so low of herself. I wish I could give her a hug, but I bet I'd make her cry again.

And I also met Melody, or Mel- She has red eyes, it's the strangest thing. And I didn't think they were scary, or even pitiful- they were so pretty. Such a vivid color against her white fur- it was shocking. I wish she didn't hate me though- moreover, I wish I knew why she did. Some people just hate because... because there's no one else to hate, I suppose. So I guess if it makes her feel better, it doesn't really bother me-

Wait, am I lying to myself now? I hate it when people hate me. It's the worst though, because I actually go out of my way for them not
to hate me. And I just talked, and instantly she began snarling at me and acting perfectly sweet to the other cat- Tomi. I felt like she's slapped me or something. So I made one cry and the other hate me. Uh-huh, awesome job, me. I'm bound to feel great tomorrow morning.

Some girls like the quiet type to the chivalrous, I guess. Damn though.

No updates on my first year of life. I thought for a second maybe that living in the wild might make me remember something- jog my memory, you know?- but it hasn't. I want to know so badly why it disappeared in the first place, yet I'm scared at the same time. What if I forgot it because it's something I'd prefer not to remember? Or maybe I hit my head falling? Who were my parents? Did I have any relatives? It's all so confusing!

Life. It better damn well get easier, or I'm gonna quit. Thank god for she-cats.

---

;D I'm just gonna... sleep for a while...
What did I do wrong? Mel looks really mad.
Shit, she's crying! Ah, I'm such an idiot!

---

thread; don't kill the messenger ,

[Soul Dreamcatcher]

Are you a slave to your fears?

I don't know why- it's always driven me crazy, ever since I first discovered the damn phobia. See, I have this thing about chickens- they're terrifying. And thing is, I can't remember ever having any bad experiences with them. Just this one time when I was walking down an old dirt road there were some chickens there, and I dunno, I just freaked. they didn't even touch me- I was just horrified.

So what, was I mauled by a chicken in my past or something? Having lost memories... It's like I don't even know myself. And I hate that feeling.

So anyways, totally uncalled for happy reunion with my favorite species today. I just walked in and bam! Door slammed, and I was trapped. Now after that, I'm wondering how anyone couldn't be scare of them- they have those sharp talons and pointed beaks... Monsters, that's what they are.

And there was a mob of 'em, coming for me, coming in for the kill...

But then the leader was struck down by this new cat- Raven. I gotta say, I was shocked- well, not much of a surprise- but I was so shaken, in fact, that I went running out of there without so much as a pick-up line. Whoa, huh? Never though I'd see the day.

And then after the introductions I got a good look at her- she had these two scars on her nose, and three over her eye- which was silver, by the way- plus a notch in her ear. Yet despite all those, she was really pretty! Like, long black fur, expressive eyes, nice voice, everything. Looked to be about a year older than me- although she seems really shy. How has the world been raising cats these days? Like everyone I meet lately either has low self-esteem or bipolar disorder.

---

You better not come any closer! I'm watching you!
Wonder how she got those scars... must've had it rough.
Eat the chicken? They're edible?

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thread; alektraphoba for idiots.

[Soul Dreamcatcher]

Truth or dare.

In the most unlikely of places, I see Melody again. Man, that was terrifying. The storm just came out of no where, you know? With the ground shaking, and the water... Drowning is the worst kind of death imaginable.

I saw her red eyes just as I thought I was going to die- she blacked out before I did though, probably since I have higher lung capacity, left over from my performing days. I'd never been scared of the water then, there had been nothing to fear. I don't think I'll ever look at it the same again though.

The weirdest part is that she came to save me. I thought she hated me!

Carrying her up was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I thought I would die, and we'd both be dead, and... Oh god. I hope she couldn't tell when she woke... up...

When she... When I thought she died, I don't even know. It was horrifying... Terrifying. I actually wasn't sure I how would cope. She would've been fine if she hadn't come after me. It was so, so horrible. True torture is watching someone dying right in front of you for your sake. Not any amount of pain can beat that.

I don't think I came out of that unchanged... When she woke up, I thought I would run out of air. It was just, so relieving... When I thought she was dead, I just broke down. And another one of those weird, phantom memories appeared, too, like the one about my birthday being in the summertime. But this one wasn't like that.

So I got this thought that told me death was nothing knew- I'd seen that before. It's driving me crazy- I can't stay sane like this. I don't know what I should do. I mean, there's this whole other me, and the biggest question:

If I ever remember who I was, will I still be who I am now?

---

What's with this weather?
Mel?! What's she doing...?
She can't be dead... She'd dead... Oh my god, she can't be dead...!
She's alive! Thank god! She's really still alive! Yes!

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thread; the result of my socks .