Kestrel Wintertrap

[kestrel]

Name: Kestrel Wintertrap Gender: Female Date of Birth: August 6th, 2008 Height: 21 cm Sexual Preference: Straight Status: Not Spayed Coat Color: Brown Coat Pattern: Tabby w/ White Splotch Eye Color: Green Fur Length: Medium Appearance Extra: None History: There's no perfectly happy beginning for Kestrel Wintertrap. No 'once upon a time' or 'in a kingdom far away'. But to truly understand the reasons why her story is so different than most, one has to look at her mother. Indigo Wintertrap made a lot of mistakes in her life - the biggest probably being the error, yes error, that resulted with Kestrel and her siblings. Indigo never planned on having kittens so young - she didn't even like kittens. Even when she became a mother and realized that she did love her litter, she still didn't like them. This story is tangled with emotions, jealousy and regret and Kestrel lies not at the heart of it, in the center of the attention where she normally enjoys being, but at the end. The product of the the relationships and hardships. Because sometimes we hurt those who we love. And that's how Kestrel came to be - the daughter of Indigo but not of Indigo's mate. This is where all pretenses of a happy beginning disappear. The pain for Indigo and her mate surely shadowed any possible joy at the birth of five new kittens. But even then, the day she was born was not her beginning. Her date of birth was unlike many others and the cruel circumstances that surrounded it could not be simply told without traveling back in time to see how this all came to be. How one little cat made so many mistakes in her life and finally ended up with Kestrel. The true beginning of this story starts less than a year before Kestrel was born, when one she-cat was abandoned and became a stray - something that would change her life and shape those of many others. You see, her name was Indigo Wintertrap. Now Indigo got abandoned in the middle of winter on the old road after her owner who she had loved died, leaving her in the care of his sister who was unable to look after her. Friendly by nature, she was able to meet and mingle with a few different cats on the streets and befriended one of them, a tom by the name of Stellar Snowpaw. Indigo quickly found that she had a crush on him and, what was more, was pretty sure that the feeling was mutual. Then one day, she was wandering through the woods, feeling quite philosophical, when she met a spotted grey tom who introduced himself to her as Ash Firestar. Indigo talked with Ash, refusing at first to give him her name. In her mind, she thought it would be so beautiful for two strangers to meet and talk and then leave not knowing who the other was - with no expectations for future meetings. They could just pour their soul out with no worries knowing they would never see each other again but still feeling a common bond. Quickly, Indigo realized that she liked Ash and wanted to see him again so she gave in and told him her name, thinking it wouldn't make much of a difference. They continued to talk and Ash told her he had used to be house cat but he'd ran away. Indigo admired that and felt ashamed of the fact that she'd been abandoned like an old toy that's been outgrown. So she lied to Ash and told him that she'd also run away from home on a daring escapade. Ash was smart enough to realize that Indigo was lying to him and Indigo was smart enough to realize that Ash had figured out that her words weren't the truth. She confessed to him that she'd been abandoned and he told her that she shouldn't lie. Indigo was angry and being preached to but also felt immensely guilty for even fabricating a lie in the first place. She shouldn't have been ashamed of something that was out of her control. Feeling upset for lying and angry at being abandoned, Indigo re-evaluated her life, realizing that she was just a spoiled little kitty who'd gotten everything she'd wanted and was still able to complain. She'd had a good human she'd loved but felt guilty of that because so many cats hated humans. And now she was on the streets enjoying her freedom and still she was able to find problems with her life when it was so perfect. The sudden realization made Indigo hate herself vividly and she plunged into a sudden depression, feeling scared and angry and confused. A bewildered Ash coaxed her back to reality, soothing her and trying to relieve her. And in that instant, Indigo felt so dependent on Ash that it scared her. She barely knew this tom and already in her mind she was beginning to visualize that she was in love with him. Ash whispered for her to please not leave but Indigo was scared of hard she had fallen for this tom she barely knew and ran away. Feeling horrible for denying Ash his one wish after he'd saved her from a verge of depression, Indigo wandered around until one day in dump she scented him again. It wasn't until he had almost left that she called out for him and ran to him, knowing that she needed to speak with him. She apologized, feeling horribly guilty for running off on him but Ash refused to be mad at her. Indigo thought he should have been and found herself almost angry that he wasn't. But she was distracted by the arrival of a friend she hadn't seen in a while: Stellar Snowpaw. Stellar asked if he could speak with Indigo privately and she complied, wondering all the while what this could possibly be about. And then, he confessed to her that he did love her, that he had since he had first set eyes on her. A stunned Indigo tried to deal with this, tried to fit it in with the rest of her world mentally. A moment later she managed to reply that she loved Stellar too, realizing that it was indeed true. Besides, she couldn't possibly have any feelings for Ash. She barely knew him. Stellar, on the other hand, she'd known since arriving on the streets. He'd been her friend and she'd always liked him. It made sense for her to be with Stellar. But some part of her craved that whirlwind romance. Ash left, leaving Indigo with Stellar and as she looked for the gray tom for an instant, Stellar realized that she loved him and told her that she could have him, he was leaving. Indigo was furious that Stellar was giving up when he'd "loved" her just because there was a sign of competition and spent many days wandering alone, bitter and depressed. For two minutes she'd had a mate and then even that hadn't been able to work out. She was listlessly wandering around an old farmhouse when she saw Ash, for the third time now. Ash inquired as to how Indigo and her new mate were and Indigo was forced to admit that they weren't mates - they'd barely ever been. She vented to Ash about Stellar and apologized while Ash once more declared that he wasn't mad at him, no matter how much he should have been. And in that moment, Indigo realized that she loved him and that he loved her too. But what was more, she had hurt him twice now and she knew that she would continue hurting him even more. Not being with Ash would hurt him at first but in the long run it would save him so much pain on her behalf and Indigo tried to explain that to him but he insisted that he wanted her and only her. A derisive and slightly mad Indigo ran up to the roof of the chicken coop, figuring that the world as a whole was better off without her. She attempted to throw herself off but Ash ran after her and caught her by the scruff of the neck before she could fall. He brought her down to the barn and tried to talk her out of it, saying she was being stupid and foolish. But Indigo was past reason and she ran past him back up to the roof and jumped, figuring that for once she was putting things right. This time, Ash didn't try to stop her. When she opened her eyes, she assumed that she had died and was in hell but was confused when she saw that Ash was there too. After a moment she was forced to admit that she had failed in her attempt to kill herself. She was still alive. Ash ran to the market and got an old lady who was always kind to cats to come and she took Indigo to the vet to mend her broken bones. Indigo stayed with the old lady for a little bit - she'd never had any problems with humans. Ash hung around to keep an eye on her but he dislike being indoors and stayed in the backyard and around the area mainly. As Indigo grew better, she started to think clearer and realized that she had made a mistake and she was glad that she was still alive to spend her future with Ash. She was scared of the fact that she'd tried to kill herself but what scared her even more was that in that moment when she had realized she was still alive, she hadn't been relieved. She'd been disappointed. Indigo started to realize that things couldn't just go on normally with her and Ash. She was scared of what she had done and she didn't want it to happen again. What was more, she knew with all of her heart that she wanted to be with Ash but she wanted to do it right. And that meant that she needed to figure some stuff out for herself first. She told Ash that she needed to leave for about a month, to be alone and try and clear her head. During that time period, Indigo had her ups and downs - the happy and the unstable moments. It forced her to realize that she wasn't over what had happened; it was still affecting her. But what Indigo thought about most when she was alone was Stellar. Being with Ash now and being so happy to be with him, Indigo was starting to realize that Stellar hadn't been a jerk. He hadn't turned tail at the sight of competition, he had given her up because he had seen something that Indigo hadn't even known at time: she loved Ash. He had given her up so she could be happy and she'd though he was a jerk for it. She needed to find Stellar. Indigo searched around, asking everyone she'd met if they'd seen Stellar. Finally a she-cat named Dapple said that she'd seen him hanging around. Indigo had asked her to tell him that Indigo wanted to meet with him in the dump the next night. It was where she had seen him last... where she had made mistakes and ruined their friendship. And it was where she would set everything right. Dapple found her the next morning and told her that she'd delivered the message but Stellar hadn't said whether or not he'd show. Indigo headed to the dump anyway that night and began to wait nervously, not even sure if she wanted Stellar to show up. She wanted to see him but maybe this was best put behind them. Besides, she couldn't help but feel guilty that she was meeting with him, even if she wasn't going to do anything. She also knew that she wasn't going to tell Ash about meeting him, though, which left her wondering what outcome exactly did she think this night would have? As the sun disappeared, Indigo had to admit that it looked as if Stellar wasn't coming. She was about to leave when she was proved wrong. Stellar had showed. The two started to talk, awkwardly, and Indigo apologized for everything she had done, revealing that was still Indigo Wintertrap, not Firestar, though basically Ash's mate. Still, it felt so good to see Stellar again. But sitting there talking to him, Indigo couldn't help but feel a pull towards the tabby tom. Even with everything that had happened... she still loved him. The realization was enough to shock her but she knew she couldn't tell Stellar. It would make things so much harder if he knew that she also had feelings for him but still went to Ash. If he knew then maybe he would fight for her and she couldn't let that happen - she'd put Ash through enough already. Hence the great wave of guilt and horror when she accidentally slipped it out. She'd told him. She'd said the three little words that would change everything for them. How could they even try to just be friends when they both knew they both loved each other. It would be impossible. They loved each other but they couldn't be together because Indigo wasn't willing to leave Ash. She loved him but not enough to put Ash through all that. Not after everything else she'd done. Feeling stuck in the middle of something she didn't think she'd ever escape, Indigo realized that they weren't going to see each other again. they couldn't. Torn apart, she proposed to Stellar that for one night they could just let their love be open. For one night, they could be together. And so they mated. When they were done, Indigo felt a horrible sense of guilt wash over her. This was worse than anything she had ever imagined. Now she truly had cheated on Ash, there was no way to deny that. She'd been so caught up with thinking in the moment, seizing the day, that she'd hadn't stopped to think. The trouble with not worrying about the future, Indigo reasoned, was that it eventually catches up to you and becomes the present and then you're stuck regretting your actions. How could she just leave Stellar after this? How could they just walk away and accept that they would never see each other again? She had Ash to run to but what about Stellar? Who did he have? Indigo gulped as she realized that for once she was going to have to do the right thing and it wasn't going to be pretty. Stellar couldn't leave the dump still loving her and torn up by the fact that he knew she still loved him too. She had to make him stop loving her so that he could move on and get over her. Summoning up all of her acting skills, Indigo told Stellar again how she loved Ash, playfully saying how she loved him far more than Stellar - on a much deeper level. Turning the knife in the wound, she went on to say how she loved Ash and how they would be together and love each for the rest of forever. Stellar was shocked. Indigo had said she loved him but now it was blatantly obvious that she'd just been using him all along, toying with him. He ran off and Indigo was left alone, knowing that she had done the right thing. She could now be sure that Stellar didn't love her - he would probably hate her for the rest of his life. But that was what she had wanted - no, she couldn't pretend that she had wanted this, but it had been the right thing to do. Finally, she'd done the right thing. Indigo needed to see Ash now but she was apprehensive. she couldn't tell him about what had happened with Stellar. She didn't think she could stand to lose Ash now too on top of everything else. She dawdled around and met some other new cats in the area but as the days progressed, Indigo realized with a terrified certainty something that she hadn't even given a thought to: she was pregnant. It seemed like the end of the world for her. She'd never been a big fan of kittens and now she was supposed to be a mother? What's more, these weren't going to be kittens that she and her mate would love and raise. These would be Stellar's kits, not Ash's. She had just cut him out of her life only to find out that she was going to have his kittens. She didn't think she could handle this. ((This part of the history will be edited in once the thread where Indigo informs Ash that she is pregnant is finished)) One morning, Indigo was exploring the area around a waterfall, playing in the warm spring waters when she realized that something was terribly wrong: she was going to have the kittens. Terrified and confused, Indigo was forced to go through labor alone with no one to guide her but thankfully all five kittens were born healthily. She wasn't surprised to find that she felt little or no maternal instincts for the little kittens but she gave them names anyway, feeling that they would hate her enough as they grew older for being such a bad mother without having to also hate her for dubbing them One, Two, Three, Four, and Five. So she would give them proper names - no, more than that, she would give them beautiful, unique, amazing names. The best names ever! The first to be named was the little orange tabby tom and he was given the name Lion. Next came Puma, an orange tabby she-cat with white patches, and Lynx, a brown tabby she-cat. The brown tabby tom was named Striker and the tiny brown tabby she-cat with snowy white patches was named Kestrel. Shortly after their naming however, Indigo was startled by the rough voice and scent of a dog. The husky, by the name of Cheif, had found her and her kittens and was quite ready to dig in. Another dog arrived, a savage Doberman named Caesar, and Indigo was scared out of her kits, yowling loudly. Her cries brought Wolf Sharpstone, a tom who'd she'd met, screamed at, attacked, and then poured her emotions out to a few days ago, running and he promptly attacked the dogs, joined by a calico tom by the name of Twilight Spitfire, whom Indigo had never met. The three adults fought for the kittens safely until Caesar scooped Kestrel up in his jaws and threaten to kill her if they didn't hand over the other four kittens. Indigo pretended to give in before launching herself upwards and knocking Kestrel out of his jaws, to be replaced by herself. At this point, they were all startled by a plea from Cheif, who told Caesar who let her go because the kittens needed a mother, having seemingly had a change of heart. While Caesar screamed and processed this news, Indigo was able to squirm herself into a position to scratch at her captors and fall out of his jaws, leaping back up to attack him. They managed to drive the dogs off and the kittens were safe. Safe, yes, but condemned already at such an early age to a life that could not be promising for their young spirits. A mother who didn't want them. A father who didn't know that they existed. And tangled somehow into this, their mother's mate, his motives less clear. Born in the midst of such a mess, it was quite obvious to Kestrel that she needed to look after herself - no one else would. Stella. That was her mother's nickname for her for the first little bit of her life. Until Kestrel was able to realize how close to 'Stellar' that was and realized that she didn't like that. Why should she be linked to this tom that she didn't know just because he was her biological father? He meant nothing to her, nothing more than any other stranger. And so she took on the calling of Kessa for it was both of her own choosing and her own uniqueness, linked to no one. Even from such an early age, she was learning how to sever bonds. Personality: Charming at first sight, Kestrel is an intelligent she-cat with a cunning mind when it comes to getting what she wants. She has no trouble with being spoiled by others and will resort to whatever means it takes to achieve her goal. When she decides she wants something she sets her mind so fully to it that she doesn't bother to think of the consequences of her actions in her state of recklessness. She could be described as single-minded when she is pursuing something. Of course, Kessa always gets what she wants. She possesses a good understanding of how others function and is adept at reading cats and figuring out their goals and traits for herself. Kestrel is also highly skilled when it comes to the art of manipulation and enjoys toying with others, skillfully maneuvering them while seemingly remaining innocent as she manipulates them deceitfully. This skill she used often in her young age with her siblings, persuasively talking them into whatever she wanted to do so they could band up with it and take the blame when it came down to it. Under the eyes of adults, Kessa is always nothing but innocent. Of course, this entails that she be quite the actress - something that she, thankfully, is. Kestrel always manages to have complete control over herself and knows exactly which innocent expressions or sweet tones of voice are the best for wheedling information or getting what she wants. It's all simply a game to her and she's determined to come out on top - something that she manages to flawlessly achieve without exceptions. She is not sympathetic by nature and finds it extremely difficult and wasteful to feel for others. In her opinion, their plight is their own and no good will come of anything simply because she feels bad. Why should she bother to depress herself with other cats' problems when she could be focusing on ensuring her reputation and reaching her goals? The odd situation might come along where Kessa finds herself in a position to empathize with someone but these feelings are kept to herself. Her life is governed by a set a rules. She must always seem absolutely perfect and therefore, untouchable. No matter how upset she is feeling, she can not cry in front of others or show weaknesses because then she would be rolling over and showing her belly in defeat. She is determined to always be the best at what she does and being number one in life in general is an even more important priority for her. To say she is self-conscious would be an error - it would be much more correct to say that she is extremely aware of herself. Every narrowing of the eyes, every flick of the tail, Kestrel makes sure she is in control instead of acting rashly. She is constantly aware of her appearance - a portion of her brain seemingly dedicated to constantly scanning herself and ensuring that every last hair is in place, every little word is articulated perfectly. Nothing in Kestrel's life is perfect - not with having a mother and father who are not mates and the latter not knowing of her existence at this young age. It could be deemed that her constant need for herself to remain perfect stems from this. So that she may have one thing to depend on when there is nothing else. It is for this reason that Kestrel does not place faith in others. She depends solely on herself, something that can make her appear anti-social or unfriendly at times. The truth is, she has no need of friends and doesn't bother. Kestrel Wintertrap is as perfect as can be in her mind which leaves no room for entertaining those inferior to her perfection. Of course, it stands to reason that they must be aware that she is of a higher league than them. She is perfect. And this message is constantly reinforced through every word, every action, every subtlety or mannerism. Intimidation works well for her and it something that she enjoys enforcing on others, if not only for the sake of furthering the message that she is better than them. From her lack of sympathy grows a cruelness that can surprise even those much older than herself. Kessa long realized that she had no need for anyone else and so she stopped caring about anyone except for herself. As a kitten, her little taunts or jabs are harsh and often cross lines that adults wouldn't have though to find in such a younger cat. But she is curious by nature and torment and pain have always been specialties that she has enjoyed experimenting with, though not to the point of insanity. After all, she has to remain perfect. Image: Your OOC Name: Luthien Other Characters On the Site: Indigo Wintertrap, Rowan Brokendaze, Dandelion Sunseed