My Eyes Like {Stars}

[Ash Firestar]

|| Just you and me, Indigo. ||

I wish I could see you again,
With all of my heart, soul, and mind

Ash's paws carried him to a place that he had never ventured before. His long pawsteps had led him from the road to a valley. A vast valley that circled the town. Various trees and bushes planted in random spots. He now stood in a bed of many types of wildflowers. Daisies, Dandelions, they all looked so beautiful. He sighed, he did not want to feel miserable. He was going to get over...he wasn't even going to think of the name. Let's just call Indigo, Tabby for right now. So, yeah, Ash was going to get over Tabby one way or another. It had been a really long time since he had heard her voice. Seen her eyes sparkle. Hear her laugh. Feel her soft fur and her rough tounge. He sighed again, inwardly this time. He stomped his paw, No, no, NO! he thought to himself, You should be ashamed of yourself! If you can't get her out of your mind, I will kill you! He chuckled at his own remark, his own conseance in his head. He smiled widely as he ran for the hills, litterally.

He ran and leaped into a random bed of flowers. He rolled and twirled in the petals. Covering his fur with their sweet aroma. He laughed at his feminine side and layed on his belly. All he needed was a little someone to make this moment perfect, a little orange tabby named Indigo....but that, my good friends, is a pretty big need.

You don't know how much
I wish to hear your voice.

But that's a really big wish.
I miss you.

[Indigo Wintertrap]

This thread is set further back in time, shortly after Indigo had realized that she was pregnant: between her threads "Leisurely walk" and "Like pain? Try giving birth."



There are times that walk from you like some passing afternoon
Summer warmed the open window of her honeymoon

The breeze ruffled her fur softly, undisturbingly. Until a larger gust a wind blew past her, rousing the lithe orange tabby. Her eyes opened slightly into slits and with an annoyed hiss she rolled over onto her back, stretching out as she tore at the grass with her claws. With a roll of the eyes, she got up, stretching out her front legs as she arched her back in another stretch. Giving a disgruntled sigh, Indigo Wintertrap set about washing her, her small tongue rasping over her fur in an effort to smooth damage the wind had done. A few minutes later she was all done, her fur perfectly smooth and shiny. And of course, she couldn't help but feel happier. She could scent rabbit in the air - they were, after all, fairly common on the slopes - but she wasn't in the mood to hunt. Not really hungry, just pleasantly satisfied. It was a nice, lazy day sort of feeling. In any case, it was happier than she'd been feeling in a while.

And just like that, her happy mood evaporated, to be replaced with a scowl and a sigh.

She'd been doing so well just now. The whole, being happy thing. Her eyes narrowed and she let out a frustrated hiss. How was she supposed to be happy, even just to pretend? She was pregnant, dammit! Pregnant. Something she had not planned on being for quite a while. She didn't even like kittens. Of course, if they were going to be her and her mate's kittens that they could raise together, maybe she wouldn't have been so upset. If they were going to be Ash's kittens and he would be a father, maybe she could have summoned up some happiness. At least in small doses. But no, she didn't even have that much to fall back on. They were Stellar's kittens and Stellar now hated her thanks to her only trying to do the right thing. Then again, doing the right thing had involved her trying to make Stellar hate her so mission accomplished.

But she couldn't even truthfully say that having to mother kittens was her biggest worry. It would have been except that it didn't seem real enough for her to wrap her head around it, therefore it couldn't trouble her as much as it otherwise would have. So instead, that left room for another big worry to come up and steal first place: Ash breaking up with her. Ash hating her. She didn't think she could stand that - to lose both Stellar and then Ash. She let out an involuntarily whimper. She couldn't pretend that she hadn't cheated on Ash with the kittens as proof! And once he knew that they were Stellar's... Indigo shivered slightly. She could pretend that they weren't, though. She could even pretend that she'd been raped. But she didn't want to lie to Ash. Originally she'd planned on not telling him about mating with Stellar but that had been when there was no proof. This would be full out lying and that wasn't something that Indigo could do - to Ash anyways. It brought up too many memories.

Indigo gulped and lifted her nose to sniff the air. She still wasn't hungry but maybe a bit of hunting would help clear her mind - distract her, anyways. "What..." she murmured, frowning. No, that couldn't be true. It was just because she'd been thinking about him. He was still on her mind... His scent... Her eyes widened in disbelief. No, she wasn't playing tricks on herself. She did scent Ash! Nearby! Indigo trembled instantaneously but her first emotion for a great swell of happiness. Ash! She'd missed him so much and it was all brought to the surface now, with his reappearance. But then she felt foolish for feeling happy. This wouldn't be some cheery reunion. She had to tell him.

And just like that, her happiness evaporated.

She bit her lip nervously. She wasn't ready for this. But she couldn't put it off, not when he was here. He'd probably scent her too and if he saw her running away it certainly wouldn't improve things when they did meet up. So instead, Indigo summoned up her courage and called out to him. "Ash!" And then she was running, her legs speeding over hill and grass as she covered the distance between them. Once upon a time maybe, she would have bowled into him, laughing, and covered him with licks from head to toe. But that wasn't now anymore. Now she slowed as she approached, a grin on her face. "Ash," she repeated as she saw him now. It felt so good. When they'd been away from each other, it had been hard to remember him as well, to remember how much she really loved him. But now, now there was no hiding it.

"I love you," she whispered suddenly, reaching in to nuzzle him. She bit her lip as she drew back and tried to ignore the pricklings in the backs of her eyes that usually signaled that tears were about to come. She didn't want to say it - the words that would possibly drive a wedge between them forever. But she had to. She didn't think that it was obvious by looking at her that she was pregnant but maybe it was. She didn't want him to figure out for himself before she had a chance to tell him. "Ash," she started, hesitating. But she had to do this. "Ash, first off, you have to know that I love you and I want to be with you forever. The past little while has been nice to clear my head and all that but I've missed you like crazy and I think I'm ready now. I'm never going to be perfect but you said you loved me for who I was and I've gotten to know that cat in the past while." She forced herself to take a breath. She needed to stop sounding like she was giving a speech. "Ash, I did something that I shouldn't have and I'll completely understand if you hate me forever." She gulped, quivering slightly. "But I'm not going to lie because that's one thing that you taught me from the day I met you." Her voice grew a bit stronger. "You've changed me and now I won't lie to you Ash."

She took a deep breath. Could she really do it? Could she really say the two words that could spell out the end for them? Even if it wouldn't change anything between her and Ash, they were still so hard to say - so hard to force out of her mouth. Because she didn't like them, didn't like what they would mean for her in terms of the future. Especially in terms of her future with Ash but even just for herself because she'd never wanted this. And saying something out loud made it true. Words weren't something you could take back. Sure, you could apologize for them and say you shouldn't have. But once they were said and heard, you couldn't pretend you hadn't said them. Even if you apologized, the other person would still know you'd said them.

It wasn't like that in this case. She wasn't about to insult him or say something bad that she'd later feel sorry for. But she'd still want to "take them back" because they could ruin everything and Indigo wasn't sure she could handle that. Actually, she was fairly sure that she wouldn't be able to. But that couldn't facotr into this. Ash couldn't feel sorry for her and be worried that if he ended things she'd go off and kill herself. That's why she ha told him she was better, even though she wasn't exactly. Their relationship could never work out if he was always thinking that way. Actually, it would "work out" forever but neither one of them would be happy. Stop. Indigo forced herself to cut an end to her thoughts. She was rambling on and on mentally to try and distract herself from the present - what she needed to say. So, with another breath, she tried to summon up the small ounces of courage that she had and prayed that everything could still be okay. It was all or nothing.

"I'm pregnant."

[Ash Firestar]

Ash smiled at his Indigo-free moment. He meant that in a semi-good way, he missed Indigo so much, and he couldn't help but miss her even more in this moment than ever. But, now, when he started to laugh lightly at his feminine charade, he felt like the old Ash, when he wasn't stabbed every second of the day, missing the one he loved. But, no matter what, he'd always miss her. Even if she never decided to come back, but that wasn't like her. She'd come back, she would, if not, he'd find her one way or another.

A scent drifted down the slopes to his nose, a very familiar aroma that sent his heart racing. He knew it imediately, "Indigo!" He whispered as he shot up from the patch of weeds and looked around him, trying to spot the tabby cat. He missed her amber eyes so much. His blue-eyed gaze finally found her, he grinned and ran over to her. She started running towards him, which made him stop and smile widely as she neared him. When she got a few feet away, he could see her beautiful face, joyous, but something else was there. What was it? Anxiety? Stress? Fear? He was curious why she felt that way. He licked her cheek, "Indigo!" he mimicked her. She started to speak, and he started to listen.

When she finished the first part of her speech, he thought she was done, "I love you more than the world, Indigo." But then she started talking again and he tilted his head to the side, looking at her thoughtfully. She started saying that she did something bad, and he should hate her forever. He looked at her concerned, "Indigo, why in heaven and earth would I hate you? After everything we've been through--" He stopped, not wanting to sound like he was giving a speech either, it was her time to talk, not his. He tried to keep her gaze as he watched her hesitate. He couldn't help but get a little impatient, when she finally spoke again.

"I'm pregnate."

He imediately knew who the father was. Obviously not him, but the other tom, Stellar. It was obvious, wasn't it? He could see the story unfolding now, after she'd left, Indigo found Stellar, she tried to apologize and "did it" with Stellar, then told him that she was still with Ash or something like that and he got angry and left her. He sighed, and looked at the ground, then back at her. "Hmm," was the only reply he could think of, "I'm deffinately not mad at you, Indigo Wintertrap. I'm frustrated. My heart has no more room for hate, it is so full of love that I cannot hate you nor be angry with you." He paused, "You cannot undo what has already been done." His eyes hardened slightly.

"I have learned to live life without regrets, because you cannot regret everything you have done in your story, it has already been written in pen, you can't erase it." He sighed and his blue eyes softened, "Don't regret things, that just makes them worse." Then he started to cover her in licks. "I love you so much, I could never hate you. It's utterly impossible!"

[Indigo Wintertrap]

And she chose a yard to burn but the ground remembers her
Wooden spoons, her children stir her Bougainvillea blooms

Indigo forced herself to stop shaking, unsheathing her claws and planting them in the soft earth as if to hold her there - to balance. Calm breaths, calm breaths, she reminded herself but her mind was too close to hysteria to accept any ounce of logical thinking. She'd cheated on Ash! How had she gone from being just a sweet young she-cat house pet to some cheating, despicable stray! She gulped. The stray part didn't matter - she about to start analyzing her life on the streets compared to her old life again. Nor did she feel like it would be the best time for her to start hating herself - Ash didn't need to go through that again. Neither did she but right now she was focused on what was right for Ash. She'd screwed so much up and she'd been horrible and now whatever it took to make him happy, she'd do it.

Because she'd hurt him.

Indigo wasn't able to suppress the shiver that came with that thought. It was just like she'd told him that time at the chicken coop - she squeezed her eyes shut briefly as she remembered other events that had taken place: her trying to commit suicide, for one. She had hurt him so much before and she would continue to hurt him. Just like she had now. But what was she supposed to do? She'd left Ash for a short while to try and fix things and had only made things worse. But she couldn't leave him permanently. Not only because of the fact that it would tear her up but because she knew that, for some infallible reason, Ash loved her too and he would be even more hurt if she left. Of course, there was always the option to stop being such an idiot and stop hurting him. But it wasn't that easy. She'd tried, she'd honestly tried. And it hadn't worked.

"Maybe it's just something about you and me," she whispered quietly, not even sure whether she was talking out loud or in her head. "Maybe we just don't.... work." She gave a soft whimper. With a start, her head jolted up, out of her confusing thoughts. She blinked, taking in for the first time what Ash had just said to her - blushing as she realized it probably seemed as if she'd simply been ignoring him. "You. Don't. Hate... Me?" she whispered slowly, her brow furrowing in confusion. "How..." She trailed off, shaking her head slowly."No," she whispered suddenly, a gleam coming into her eyes. "You never hate me. I hurt you and I hurt you and you can never hate with me so I get away with it and it's never going to stop!" She trembled, suddenly feeling a burst of terror that she couldn't explain.

"Ash," she whimpered, pressing her cheek against his and taking comfort in his soft fur and the warmth of it. The familiar scent. "Ash... I'm pregnant," she said, her face bewildered with confusion but also scared. "Stellar... doesn't know." She inhaled sharply. So now he knew the father - as if he hadn't already guessed. "I'm scared," she whimpered, trembling again. "I don't even like kittens," she blurted suddenly with a nervous laugh, ducking her head down to smooth some of her chest furs - just to take a lapse from where this train of thought was heading.

"Nevermind." Her voice was clearer, less shaky, when she lifted her head. She was not going to burden her fears about being a mother to Ash. How could she expect him to sympathize with her? She'd cheated on him and now was worried that she wouldn't be able to mother the kittens - scared of having to give birth to them and being expected to raise. Oh, he loved her enough to try and soothe her but Indigo wasn't going to be so horrible as to do that. Starting now, she was going to stop being so self-centered. She gave a small nod and squared herself straight.

But deep down, she knew it was going to take more than that. It wouldn't be quite so easy.

[Ash Firestar]

He sighed. It was never going to stop was it? The "why don't you hate me?" charade, if Indigo was trying to make him hate her, then why didn't she just run off with Stellar, or literally kill herself? Wait, scratch that, Ash would never hate Indigo, no matter what she did. As long as she was happy, he was happy. Sure, he would be upset, but he would move on as a single, maybe a depressed single, but still. He let her lean on his cheek, on him, as he licked her cheek. "And you will continue to get away with it until the day that we both die!" He said in a teasing voice, and giving her a slight nudge. He hoped that that would lift the scary feelings off of her shoulders a little bit. But, he probably got it all wrong, he probably said the wrong thing too.

He took in her words, Stellar doesn't know, he looked into her eyes deeply, searching for something, anything, to tell him that she had some hope in herself. "There is no need to be scared, sweets," he said in a comforting way, intwining his tail in hers, "I know, for a face that you will make a proud mother," he said, licking her cheek again.

He sighed and leaned away so that he could look at her face, "I know, it was an accident, Indigo," he paused, "and I don't want you to think that I will hate you anymore...ever." He smiled lightly, "Honestly, how could you think I could hate you? You silly cat!" He teased again, really wanting to see her smile. But, he knew that it would probably be a while until he ever saw that again.

[Indigo Wintertrap]

There are things that drift away like our endless, numbered days
Autumn blew the quilt right off the perfect bed she made

Indigo gave a light laugh, feeling a great wave of relief that Ash could tease her still. After everything she'd done... It still amazed her that he could possibly want her after everything she'd put him through. that he could possibly share her feelings in any way. Sure, she was confident in herself but if she was Ash she wouldn't be wasting her time on some crazy little she-cat when there were much more normal kitties out there. But he claimed to love her for who she was and maybe he just happened to count insanity as part of that package. She felt a tremor of nerves. She wasn't really insane... It was fine in jokes but maybe not so much even in that any more. Not when she was worried that it might actually be true.

Not insane, perhaps. More like mentally unstable. Fine one moment and then crazy the next. Or was that bi-polar? Indigo blinked, frightened by her new torrent of thoughts. She forced them away, continuing to smile at Ash and listen to him instead of thinking herself to death. She gulped, scarcely believing that Ash was actually comforting her. It had been low of her to expect anything from him but it seemed like there really was no end to his kindness. But she couldn't just sit there like that. "Ash-" she started, stopping as he mentioned what a good mother she'd be. She gulped. He might think so but...

"I don't even like kittens!" she burst out suddenly, trying to ignore the guilty feelings that were telling her that it was wrong of her to look to Ash for advice on this. "I never really have. I've never ooh and aahed over them or cooed about how cute they are. I've always been uncomfortable and bored around them. And don't tell I'll be a good mother, because we both know that I won't." She swooshed her tail at his mouth in case he wanted to protest. "Let's be honest, Ash. I can barely take care of myself. I don't want to take care of kittens so I probably won't end doing a good job."

She shook her head, irritated. "I'm scared, yes, but not because I don't think I'll be a good mother. I don't care about that part. I'm scared about having to give birth and having to raise them because it'll be so hard and I don't want to be a mother. Whether or not I'll be a good hasn't even come into the equation yet except for me to dismiss all hopes of such a thing ever happening." She blew out a gust of breath, ending her little rant. Then she blushed, remembering what she'd wanted to say at first. It was hard but she had to. "But please Ash. I don't want you to sit here and make me feel better. I ran off and got myself pregnant while we were supposed to be mates. You're being unbelievably supportive about this but it's not your place to be comforting me. I shouldn't be putting you in that situation."

The words were slightly stilted and awkward because it wasn't something that she would usually say but she had to get it out. For once, her conscience was shining through her self-centeredness. It was a day to mark on the calendar, for sure. "How could I think that you could hate me?" she muttered sarcastically, rolling her eyes. "Honestly Ash! I've done about every freaking thing in the world that would have any normal cat ready to murder me if they were in your place!" She laughed, licking his cheek fondly. "And after all that you manage to still love me," she murmured in awe, shaking her head back and forth. "I don't deserve you. Not at all." The words were spoken lightly but the ring of truth in them left an unpleasant feeling in her stomach and a wish that she could change the subject quickly. "I missed you!" she blurted qith a grin, feeling like a fool as soon as the random words left her words.

No, that wasn't a transparent attempt at all.